Jan. 19th, 2017

smokingboot: (boots that smoke)
Well, I may have made a mistake, a big one.

It might be because I had to have the CT scan today,with iodine, to see if there's any chance something akin to Dad's COPD could become an issue. Passive smoking, bloody awful. The Dr hadn't told me I needed an injection. My response was phobic and severe,and I am still tearful now. Still, all done.

So perhaps I wasn't concentrating when I checked FB messenger. There was a name I recognised, saying Hi, I said Hi back before I remembered properly. Why am I so absent minded? Why do I forget? Because it was over 30 years ago. This guy was a boyfriend. We met in Glastonbury and lived in Edinburgh for few months. He was a colourblind artist with wealthy parents and a love of all things druggy. I was just without a clue.

We began to grow apart. He may have been cool in Glastonbury, he wasn't in Edinburgh... in fact...Confession time... He may not have been cool in Glastonbury either...Maybe I just liked having an artistic boyfriend #callmeshallow. One day, while we were having a row, I was trying to unlock the front door and he kicked me from behind. I turned around and told him not to, turned back to the door and he kicked me again. In the pause that followed I unlocked the front door, went in, slammed it in his face, told him he was never coming back, and that I was phoning the police, and made good that promise. He sat on the grass until the blue lights arrived and then fled.

He never troubled me again. My friends told me they would see him staggering around town;one told the story of him walking up to a beggar, grabbing his lager can and downing it in one. I forgot about him and found a skinny brilliant guy with huge elf-grey eyes. I chucked him too, eventually. If I ever move to Scotland, remind me not to live in Edinburgh. God knows who's lurking up there among the grey stones, remembering my iniquities,because I sure as hell don't.

And because I said Hi on Messenger, he is enthusiastically liking and sharing things!

I feel neutral, but feel I should be angry. He's not my friend, not on my friends list,nor is he going to be. How do I feel about him seeing my stuff? Nothing... a mild discomfort. Something like that. Am I resenting too long? Everyone tells me I do this. But I don't feel resentment, I just feel that by saying Hi I have given the impression that his behaviour wasn't bad, wasn't important.

It was both those things. It just made me angry rather than upset, and I never felt victimised as such. I just decided on immediate wanker removal and made it happen.

But how the hell did I forget it?

And what should I do now?

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