smokingboot: (dreams)
[personal profile] smokingboot
It seems I must start at the end, in more ways than one. After a wonderful holiday in the Loire valley, full of history, beauty, relaxation and sunshine, I came back to the need for a very minor operation. Due to, er, dramatic changes shall we say, in my intestinal routine (there, that's as delicate as I can manage) a colonoscopy was required; the idea being to see if anything odd was happening, snip out any polyps and take a couple of biopsies from right and left colon. I hated the idea, but remembered Mark McCann. So I fasted, took the movitrip and along I went. Problem: they didn't want to sedate me without having the number of the person who was going to pick me up. No problem, I said, he would be along in about 2 hours, cos the procedure takes much less time than that. Ah but they needed his number they said, or they couldn't sedate me. As none of the paperwork had mentioned this and I didn't have my mobile (Cos the paperwork did specify not to take anything valuable) their preferred solution was to offer me gas and air instead of sedation. I agreed.

This did not work. During this procedure, the nurses endlessly encourage one to flatulate, because air is being pumped into the bowel to expand it in order to allow the wee camera to do its thing. Well, I tried. But gas and air did not help the pan,and I screamed, 'Fuck! Get it out NOW!' and unwittingly demonstrated a new verb 'To Shart' all over the doctor, who got splattered with random movitrip remnants.

He asked what the hell was going on, the nurses explained, I apologised, he said, 'Don't, there's an obvious and easy soution,' and they stuck a canula full of painkillers in the back of my hand and started again. After that, apart from a phantom lady singing some glorious trill off-screen in my head, I was fine.

The best thing was watching it all on screen. Truly fascinating, watching them take out the one polyp they found and the two biopsies. I ache a little bit, but this is better than not knowing, so it's just about waiting for results now. The incredible thing is, I don't have to pay for any of this beyond taxes and N.I.And if we all pay together, we all get what we need without being terrified of huge bills.
Don't tell me the NHS isn't worth voting for.
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