This evening I’m a good tired. I engaged in two activities that are strenuous for me. When I got home from the second activity, really dragging, I treated myself to three things I enjoy: heating a burrito that someone else made, eating it while watching a detective show, and then taking a nap for as long as my body wants.

The weather was comfortable for me during the afternoon, pale sunlight and no wind. The no wind part actually isn’t good. I live in a valley, and we’re in inversion season which is about from Thanksgiving to Valentines Day. A layer of warm air traps cooler air closer to the ground, acting as a lid that traps pollutants, creating fog or frost in the morning, and making sounds and smells more distinct. We’re in an air stagnation warning for the weekend at least. I didn’t notice it much, but it isn’t healthy.

The first activity was housecleaning at a pace that isn’t good for me. In the past, the air filters in the HVAC units are replaced in January. They’re going to perform this next Wednesday, along with property inspection. Property inspection is when brusque males stomp in and check to make sure us lowlifes aren’t destroying things, and that we’re not too stupid to report a broken window or busted toilet if they’ve happened. They use their phones to snap photos of my stuff. Photos of dead family members displayed on corner shelving, fair game. Unfolded laundry on my settee….documented.

The company is clueless about how this feels to people with PTSD, especially women. I used to be in tears after they left.

Housekeeping is difficult for me, and what I’d planned to catch up on the rest of the year, I now feel pressure to do in four days. I made a little progress this morning. I tweaked my mindset about how this could be something I’m doing as a gift for my own comfort, and how it could be an experiment. I’ve never failed the inspection. They used to give a $5 deduction in rent as a loyalty credit. I’ve capped out at $65, and I don’t want it taken away. I’d like to be able to use the savings to have someone come in and help each month, but I haven’t seen a way to budget for it. Having strangers in my home is distressing.

The second activity was to walk to Trader Joe’s and back to get food I like that will go well with what I got in the food box. The focus on food is a big part of my life. And I got everything I was looking for. Once again, there was a polite, patient choreography among the shoppers in the crowded store. And then came the low key drama of wondering if I could make it home. I was walking very slowly and limping. I caught a few smiles from humans not afraid to make eye contact with another human. When I was within a half block of the building I live in, a delivery guy said he hoped I’d make it. Sometimes just being witnessed counts for a lot.

On my way to the store I did something I’ve never before done in my life. I’m in the heart of downtown, and there’s a gauntlet of people collecting money or signatures on petitions. And I just couldn’t get by with grace today, wanting to protect my energy. So when an oblivious youth came at me with his clipboard and pen, I told him to leave me alone. I didn’t feel bad, but might go back to pretending to being deaf.

And a glimpse that brought me joy when I was nearly home – the Hindus who have the local Indian Restaurant have once again put up a beautiful Christmas tree with lights and baubles. There are gold colored garlands with lights draped on the wooden railings between sections of the restaurant. That is the kind of world I want to live in.

A bonus for me – yesterday evening I found another random journal worth reading here. That makes five, (I’d miscounted the other day), and that’s a good number.