smokingboot (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
smokingboot) wrote2023-08-23 11:57 am
smokingboot) wrote2023-08-23 11:57 am
Entry tags:
Flowers, Emotional Support Dalek, Loki.
Snipey. And I shouldn't be, people have been incredibly kind. My parents-in-law sent a stunning bouquet of roses, irises, thistles,gerberas, heartfelt, sweet. Then my brother-in-law and his wife sent beautiful tall sunflowers, strong and sturdy , and a friend sent me a little bright golden charm to wish me luck. Flowers and gold, smile! Then came another bouquet of sunflowers, unsigned, and after came this;
It's a supreme commander dalek, and it too came from an anonymous sender.
Turns out both are gifts from my brother!
With so much beauty, love, and care being sent my way, I should be happy. But I'm not. Grateful yes, happy, no. I'm tearful and angry and liable to set off at anything at all. People irritate me, or more likely, I am easily irritated by people. I have no patience. I can't find it, I can't find much.
And it's wrong, thinking of those flowers and the charm and the dalek, I am wrong to be this way.
Tonight I must be better. I have a meeting at 7.30, and I can't get out of it. I wish I could. Then again it might take this awful sharpness away from me, having to think outside and beyond myself, forcing my focus to external matters,but I am really worried I am going to forget stuff. I hope someone is taking minutes.
Whimsy's turning up for two nights in Edinburgh tomorrow. It should be grand but somehow I wish it wasn't happening, as though I just want to curl up very quietly. I will tell her, we'll talk, others will join us later, we'll talk some more. Much as I enjoy her company, I have so little to say. She will understand though, when I say I can't hang around deep into the night. We have the stage show the night after, and even that seems like effort. I want silence and solitude, but suspect that what I want is not good for me, that being social is better, if I can just get rid of this foul mood.
I had a dream last night in which Tom Hiddleston wasn't playing Loki anymore, but disappeared off screen, only for another character to emerge, playful in a way but extremely vicious, up for flyting and more than flyting. This, in my dream, seemed like the real Loki, though changed, with his fierce cold smile and ever-changing form, as though he couldn't or wouldn't be one thing for more than a minute. He didn't look at me but out beyond me. He was not out to do me harm, but there was something horrendous about him, so harsh, his laughter a dreadful mocking sound, all up for trouble, no problem with it. The way his form kept morphing was deeply unpleasant,reminding me of some cubist form of Grant Morrison's lloigor. Whatever I feel, however ready I am to actively enjoy the anger* I must learn not to engage.
It is not healthy. It is indulgent. Even with an emotional support dalek.
*Dad's way. He understood anger so well, he could ride it like a wave, and then, to quote him 'you don't feel fear and pain can't touch you.' Bloody Hell, Dad.
It's a supreme commander dalek, and it too came from an anonymous sender.
Turns out both are gifts from my brother!
With so much beauty, love, and care being sent my way, I should be happy. But I'm not. Grateful yes, happy, no. I'm tearful and angry and liable to set off at anything at all. People irritate me, or more likely, I am easily irritated by people. I have no patience. I can't find it, I can't find much.
And it's wrong, thinking of those flowers and the charm and the dalek, I am wrong to be this way.
Tonight I must be better. I have a meeting at 7.30, and I can't get out of it. I wish I could. Then again it might take this awful sharpness away from me, having to think outside and beyond myself, forcing my focus to external matters,but I am really worried I am going to forget stuff. I hope someone is taking minutes.
Whimsy's turning up for two nights in Edinburgh tomorrow. It should be grand but somehow I wish it wasn't happening, as though I just want to curl up very quietly. I will tell her, we'll talk, others will join us later, we'll talk some more. Much as I enjoy her company, I have so little to say. She will understand though, when I say I can't hang around deep into the night. We have the stage show the night after, and even that seems like effort. I want silence and solitude, but suspect that what I want is not good for me, that being social is better, if I can just get rid of this foul mood.
I had a dream last night in which Tom Hiddleston wasn't playing Loki anymore, but disappeared off screen, only for another character to emerge, playful in a way but extremely vicious, up for flyting and more than flyting. This, in my dream, seemed like the real Loki, though changed, with his fierce cold smile and ever-changing form, as though he couldn't or wouldn't be one thing for more than a minute. He didn't look at me but out beyond me. He was not out to do me harm, but there was something horrendous about him, so harsh, his laughter a dreadful mocking sound, all up for trouble, no problem with it. The way his form kept morphing was deeply unpleasant,reminding me of some cubist form of Grant Morrison's lloigor. Whatever I feel, however ready I am to actively enjoy the anger* I must learn not to engage.
It is not healthy. It is indulgent. Even with an emotional support dalek.
*Dad's way. He understood anger so well, he could ride it like a wave, and then, to quote him 'you don't feel fear and pain can't touch you.' Bloody Hell, Dad.
no subject
The many changes you've been through in the past—what? two weeks?—will normalize at a certain point, of course. And then you'll benefit from distraction. Possibly, you'll crave it.
Right now, I suspect you're processing. Like I say, you have a lot to process.
And personally, I think anger is a fine emotion. It gets rid of a lot of underbrush. Though, you want it to be a short-burning flame, of course.
no subject