Moody Monday

[smokingboot]

This is one of those days when any accurate mood ring would shatter.

Some of it is probably lumpy.
Some of it is probably what's starving lumpy.
Some of it may be a cold or the onset of covid.
Some of it is missing Malta.
Some of it is missing the Northern Lights over at Cairnpapple the other night.
Some of it is the long term issue I don't want to think about.
Some of it is down to Mother saying 'Ill again! You are so ill in that place... you never used to be...' and that creepy element comes in, a tone to her thoughts. Maybe it's not there, this is actually a text, this is my oversensitivity playing out. What I hear are all those years of her problem growing into a psychosis that tells you how everything in the universe hates you, how it is all horrible and every person, every circumstance that ever was, is out to do you harm. I tell myself that just because I am 'reading' it doesn't mean it's there. These are actually old responses to very old issues. It's nothing. And yet I am scowling. She's talking nonsense of course. I had all the maladies of childhood plus extra stuff from my superpower of falling out of trees, off slides/walls and down holes. Call it a gift. I was just an ordinary kid, healthwise an ordinary adult, bits and pieces here and there, other stuff, wear and tear. Scotland is not bad in some sinister way for me. I wish she would just stop. And I hate to think like this, because one day she will just stop and I will miss her so much. Dad shouldn't have been the way he was, her latent issues were repeatedly triggered by his own far from latent issues. I have not put on my rings this morning, and wonder if I should wear his gift to me at all. But I like that ring. I don't know. Grrr grr grr.

My poor man is so ill but we are both supposed to be at a meeting later this week, minutes and instructions haven't been sent out and I don't see how I can get round any of this without troubling him today. If I get this done, I will feel less remiss. There are a couple of things I must achieve and they aren't major but finishing them will help.

Positive business; all going well between me and bro. We bitched over Dr Who (he was delighted that I remembered The Meep) and he talked about how he needs a total break once his contract is done. He mentioned the possibilities of a cooking retreat which would be excellent for him. Thing is, his partner/ex partner is still in the house, they are nice to each other but distant, and while I think said guy is decent, not going to change the locks or anything, still if he's unwell he's unwell.

Illness! God, I am sick of that theme!

Right. Now to make this a better day.