A favour

[smokingboot]

Chums of mine will know that I have written a book, and am currently tearing my hair out over the synopsis. Part of my concern is the first paragraph. My original was fast enough, I hope, to pull readers into the action, but one person on reading it, found it too abrupt; he suggested a more introductory approach. I have written both beginnings below. If you have nothing better to do, I would appreciate your thoughts on which, if either, of these would induce you to read further.

Maybe the place for this is just_writing, only I've put stories up there before and fear to drown the community in my endless babblings.

Here's the opening quote:

ANNO 1670 not far from Cirencester, was an apparition; being demanded whether a good spirit or a bad? Returned no answer, but disappeared with a curious perfume and a most melodious twang. Mr. W. Lilly believes it was a fairy.

- John Aubrey (1626-97) Miscellanies


Here's the original paragraph:

Book 1.


Last night the doorbell rang. It was very late, far past midnight, and I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front door step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Here's the altered original:


Book 1.

It began with a severed finger. It began with a gift in winter. It began with a knock at my door, far past midnight on the coldest night of the year. I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Comments

[scary-lady.livejournal.com]

I prefer the original. I think that "It began with" is somewhat overused in opening paragraphs.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I find it a bit Bab 5 when I stare at it for too long. But then I find the other a bit flat when I stare at it for too long...

Thank you for your thoughts; lovely and clear!