A favour

[smokingboot]

Chums of mine will know that I have written a book, and am currently tearing my hair out over the synopsis. Part of my concern is the first paragraph. My original was fast enough, I hope, to pull readers into the action, but one person on reading it, found it too abrupt; he suggested a more introductory approach. I have written both beginnings below. If you have nothing better to do, I would appreciate your thoughts on which, if either, of these would induce you to read further.

Maybe the place for this is just_writing, only I've put stories up there before and fear to drown the community in my endless babblings.

Here's the opening quote:

ANNO 1670 not far from Cirencester, was an apparition; being demanded whether a good spirit or a bad? Returned no answer, but disappeared with a curious perfume and a most melodious twang. Mr. W. Lilly believes it was a fairy.

- John Aubrey (1626-97) Miscellanies


Here's the original paragraph:

Book 1.


Last night the doorbell rang. It was very late, far past midnight, and I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front door step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Here's the altered original:


Book 1.

It began with a severed finger. It began with a gift in winter. It began with a knock at my door, far past midnight on the coldest night of the year. I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Comments

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

For me, definately the first. The second is a bit...cluttered? I can't think of the right word.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I don't know the word either, but I know the feel exactly. Thank you for your thoughts!

[falco-biarmicus.livejournal.com]

The first one captures me more. At the end of it, I have a vivid image in my head and a thirst to know more. The second one I had to read twice, and it did not seem to connect quite so directly with my imagination. But that is only me, and I make no claims to represent the general populace!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this, it's extremely useful. I generally include my first paragraph in my synopsis to give flavour, so 'I had to read twice,' is very indicative indeed. The last thing I need is for editor/reader to think the same!

[scary-lady.livejournal.com]

I prefer the original. I think that "It began with" is somewhat overused in opening paragraphs.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I find it a bit Bab 5 when I stare at it for too long. But then I find the other a bit flat when I stare at it for too long...

Thank you for your thoughts; lovely and clear!

[caddyman.livejournal.com]

Yep, go with the original.

I'm hoping to read the draft DT printed off at the weekend, unless you have any objections?

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome:-) DT mentioned that he wanted to show it to someone whose opinion he respected, and I kind of assumed he meant you...

Errata worth noting before you begin; the opening quote is missing from the draft DT has, and I have asked DT to swap round chapters 2 and 3, to see if it keeps the pace up, so chapter 3 is the one that starts with the latin quotation.

This stuff isn't really important though; I appreciate you tunnelling through it for me!

[bad-moon-rising.livejournal.com]

I like the second option, but i think that might change depending on the paragraph that would follow it.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughts! DT thought the same as you, and Russ liked them both. Thing is, you are bang on about the paragraph after, it does make a difference to the feel of the whole chapter. Here's the bit that follows:

'The night was clear, a pale full moon and stars everywhere. The craters on the moon's surface shone at me and directly below, not far from where Church Lane joins the park footpath, stood a hedge I had not seen before. It sparkled slightly with what I first thought was dew - 'So dawn will be soon,' I told myself - but dawn felt a long way away. I went to look at the hedge.

It was stiff with frost crystallised on the web of a spider, reflecting the light, intricate and symmetrical. I stepped back a little to notice that the whole hedge was a maze of jewels and sugar phantoms, iridescent webs of differing shapes and sizes, studded by the corpses of insects. Some webs were big enough to trap small birds and these did not shine, tiny bones and remnants of feather pinched between the wire and the wood.

I realised that the roots and twigs of the hedge were held together by myriads of webs, that the hedge had not grown at all but had somehow been placed there, built piece by piece by the spiders.'

Now you see, this left DT cold, and it is meant to be cold - the coldest night of the year in fact. But is it flat cold, or interesting cold?

[bad-moon-rising.livejournal.com]

I definetly prefer the second having read that. It makes the transition more seamless into the rest as the style seems the same to me.

[ephraim.livejournal.com]

A prefer the first. But I also like the phrase "A gift in winter" to describe the finger.

That said, both look like pretty good beginnings to me.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

If chapter titles don't get too cumbersome, I could call the first 'A gift in Winter.' Or I could edit as Mitchy has below, and see if that works.
I'm glad you like them both. They are driving me nuts!

[mitchy.livejournal.com]

I prefer the first one. It does exactly what it's supposed to do, it sucks you in to the story directly, with no messing about. While the second one is good, it's a little fussy, like trying to be literary for literary's sake.

For what it's worth, I'd change the second one to "It began with a gift in winter. It began with a knock at my door, far past midnight.." Less fussy and closer to the snappiness of the original.

IMNSHO :)

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this input, it's very interesting.

I will try the change and see how it works!

[paulbenwell.livejournal.com]

yeah original worked, BUT I do like the gift of winter line alot.

Only other comment for me would be

I bent down for a closer look. It was clean cut and dry

rather than "to take a"..

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Hello you! Thank you for your thoughts. I will tamper with that line and see what happens...

[ellistar.livejournal.com]

go with the original and call the chapter a gift in winter

jem

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Am now giving that idea serious consideration.

Thanks!

[thalinoviel.livejournal.com]

I much prefer the first, but I'm not clever enough to explain why that one would keep me reading and the other one not.

I suspect that "a novel" is written in small letters under the title on the cover of the book that begins with the second paragraph - and that's never a good sign.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you explain them very well!

I see what you mean about that self-consciousness in writing; It's like a book saying, "Here I am, a novel. You can tell, by the way I start!

"Never a good sign," hmm, yes, but perhaps a comforting sign to agents; a novel that starts in recogniseable novel stylee, something you know you can sell to a publisher.

I don't know! My head's on fire!

[november-girl.livejournal.com]

Contrary to what I may have said on Saturday night when I didn't have the rest of the paragraph, I actually prefer the second. I like the way it repeats itself with the "it began with..." statement.

However, bearing in mind comments others have made, I would add this caveat: prose would need to be very cluttered for me to notice, as most of my reading on a day-to-day basis is statute law and terms and conditions of contracts with sentences of about 60 words!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your input. I'm intrigued by what you say, and am glad you like the repetition, because I thought it was strong too. I am torn. My only hope is to abandon this until the weekend, focus on it without trying too hard, and see what happens.