Big Cards Little Cards

I'm suddenly frozen in indecision.

I have cards to send but am so weary, and don't have everyone's address. R has some but he is still asleep. I bought these stupid poxy little cards that I thought were dinky and now strike me as ridiculous. I've put the addresses I have on them but they're so small! Are they cute or just cheap looking?

And I need wrapping paper. And I need... and I need...

I actually need sleep, this is all very difficult. But why is it difficult?

I could just go and buy more cards, get wrapping paper, write more out this evening, post them tomorrow, accept that I am going to miss a lit of people this time around. Why is this hard?

I woke this morning with my head full of the year this has been, and suddenly my mind remembered Cambodia and stuck there, recalling all that. The nearest I could possibly come to a criticism of the holiday is that the shock of facing Cambodia's recent history hits so hard one almost needs more time to get over it, and there isn't more time. You have to go quickly, keep meeting the sun and register the pragmatic power of life unstoppable. Move limbs, move mind. But the memory clasped me early this morning, a haunt before dawn.

Still, I am inching forward now. I'll go put my coat on now, and do these little things. And what I miss I miss.