An old poem

For your lost love. Maybe it wasn't real, maybe it wasn't lost, but mood is mood.


https://open.substack.com/pub/smokingboot/p/eros-and-psyche?r=1r9jj7&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

Hair

'There's such a thing as chemo hair,' said the hairdresser some time back, despite me repeatedly trying to tell her that what I had was radiotherapy, not chemotherapy. 'Same for your hair, almost,' she said. I don't think it is, but she was on a roll. 'When your hair first grows back, it's going to be strange. Still got the chemo in it you see. Might as well shave it all off, the next growth is better.'

I ignored her because I am not shaving my head for someone who tells me chemo and radiotherapy are effectively the same thing. So it has grown. And I have to admit, it's not great. The trouble is knowing the difference between ageing hair, treated hair, radiotherapied hair, cancer hair and whatever the hell else is going on. Also, it itches, the colour doesn't last, and the last time she coloured my hair it burned my scalp. I had to stop her.

Right now it looks dry, brittle. There is some shine, but not my normal shine. The nurses were a bit more useful. 'It's going to change, they said, 'colour change, texture change, maybe it will start being wavy.' I asked them if I should shave my head. 'That's up to you,' they said, 'but you don't need to.' I told them about the hairdresser. They tried to be polite.

Now I have seaweed shampoo and conditioner. Let's see what happens.

Yesterday I did stuff that needed doing and took effort, today I started one thing, ended up doing two others, more productive than I have been but.. truth is that by 11 I am done. If I am to get anything really sorted I have to get up early in the morning and do it straight away. And yet, how true is this, really? I stayed up late doing the place plan. That wasn't creative as such, it was recording, taxing in a different way and once I finished it I collapsed into near torpor for weeks. Let's be honest, I couldn't do it again.

The whole after cancer thing is driving me mad. I'll talk to the doctor soon. This fatigue is just ridiculous, the depression less insidious because I know its cause but still damaging. All they are going to say to me is that we can try Tamoxifen, but its rep for side effects is worse than Letrozole, and it took me long enough to get used to the latter. Ten years like this? I know, time to be grateful, make the best of it, people are facing much worse. If I can cover my head in kelp I'm doing OK.