Oestrogen crescendo

[smokingboot]

So I went to the baby shower.

And there was much trepidation.

Mum to be is bright, beautiful and fearsomely organised.

We saw the baby room which will also be her office: No uber pinkness, but walls decorated with blue and brown butterflies, mini-hangers bearing teeny designer jeans and pretty dresses, a white wood chest decorated with blue seashell patterns, mountains of fluffed up cushions, a massive cot with some kind of strange apparatus projecting stars onto the wall directly above baby's bed...I think music's involved too, but I'm not sure cos I was dizzy by then.

It's not a chintzy room, not kitsch or twee, but it was still terrifying in a classy girly way. There were long woven wood containers bearing four different kinds of wet wipes, aloe and chamomile, aloe and uh, I don't know, puppy essence, judging by the picture on the front, wet wipes for sensitive skins and wet wipes for ultrasensitive skins. When zombies attack and I poop myself, I know where to run to...

And then there was the baby shower itself, with the added side theme of a pudding party. Oh dear. I can usually make a decent apple and blackberry crumble, with larians help. Why then did this particular attempt choose this particular day to earn its name so vehemently?

I mean, I'm not competitive about cooking but I winced with embarrassment when I saw everyone else's contributions, cheeese scones, petits fours, cupcakes with icing faces on, marshmallow and chocolate cake, chocolate fudge cake, fruit cake, name the cake and you could find an example of it there - excepting a bunt. I was thoroughly expecting a bunt, but it never manifested. Mind you, I left early, so for all I know it appeared later. Everything was well thought out, beautifully presented, home-made with thoughts of love and gingham. And then everyone saw my effort, a psychedelic gravel gravy smelling of cinnamon. One guest couldn't help squawking 'What on earth is that?' before anyone could stop her.It was just like Home Economics at school.

Baby shower presents are scary. Nappy cakes, cribs and moses baskets and lotions and romper suits and baby shoes and breastpumps... We bought the Mum-to-be an hour of massage with the mightiest hands we know, belonging to a tiny Japanese specialist who can make your muscles relax just by looking at them funny. She does prenatal massage too, plus aromatherapy, facials, reflexology...Mum gets to choose. A nice present I hope. Not very practical, but then, neither am I.

Similar to the way I love weddings but don't care for marriages, I've decided that even if parenthood strikes me as a one way ticket to hell, I thoroughly enjoy baby showers. I like the whole specialness of a party dedicated to Parent and Baby...it reaches a kind of icing sugar peak from which one can jump in relief.

I think a steampunk breastpump/pistol would be the coolest gift ever!

Comments

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

Can you ask her where she got the puppy essence wipes? I badly want some now.

[sixtine.livejournal.com]

Sorry, it just sounds too awful to contemplate for me. I love my kids, I even mostly like other people's, but cakes and wipes and baby talk in such intensity would make me frazzle to a crisp. You're a braver woman than I.

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

Thank you. You have just redemmed my breast pump, a heretofore impossible task.

bytepilot?

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Just for you, of course I will! Any preferred flavours? She's got labrador but apparently spaniel's popular. Mongrel packaging's a bit cheap but apparently they last longest...

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

:) Although it would probably just be simpler to get an obliging licky dog.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I can handle it in concentrated bursts, and I like celebrations, rites of passage, all that. I immerse myself and have a good time. I also learned that sugar can replace booze in situations like this. When freaked, just keep eating...

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

I'm curious about breastpumps cos they seem like such a good idea. Do htey really help?

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Holy Jesus, did you read that?

My fingers are typing but my mind is still at the shower!

See, it is kind of engrossing!

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

Be warned - TMI incoming.

All clear? Good.

Pumping is a knack and takes time to get used to. If you're not relaxed and in the right frame of mind, the milk just won't come, and pumping can be really uncomfortable and frustrating. If you can manage to pump the milk, you can easily overstimulate your boobs and end up with something called "engorgement". This is every bit as horrible as it sounds.

You also have to make sure you use the pump at the right time. Boobs are unexpectedly canny and know if they're meant to be providing a feed right now, and if they suspect shenanigans, you will get nothing but a burnt out motor.

If you manage to get the pump to work and to express enough milk to feed, you are then left with the very distinct possibility that the offspring (I'm looking at mine, here) will decide "That bottle ain't a boob and I don't wanna" for many hours at a time and you will be forced to throw your hard won milk away.

Also there's the whole "Bugger me, I'm a cow" aspect which I'm not even going into.

I have known people make it work in terms of being able to dodge a feed or two, express the milk for said feed, freeze it and thus have it available, allowing them a few hours off. In practicality most of the breat pumps I know of languish in a drawer surrounded by vaguely uncomfortable feelings that it should be possible to use them in some sexual context but it all seems a bit too much like hard work.

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

I hear you sister. I got the fear about using the pump. I never got anything much out and it hurt and it was humiliating and I just hate the bloody things. Eight weeks I lasted before flinging it out the window.

[november-girl.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on that.

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

There should be a roaring trade in reimagined breastpumps.

Once more I say, bytepilot?

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

And inspired by your entirely adorable icon and username I have now friended you. Hope this is OK.

[ravenrigan.livejournal.com]

You are all braver women than I. I have the maternal instinct of a cuckoo, and for me the menopause was little short of a blessed releif that mums and mums to be could no longer look at me with pity because I hadn't yet joined the club.

Yesterday we went to parents in law and were expected to squee dutifully over Bruv in law's new baby and their PiL's new pussycat. It was a very nice pussycat, looked like part Maine Coone. The baby was sticky and spitty, but managed to be the centre of attention for all that. It's a complete mystery to me.

I am going to grow into a lonely old lady with far too many cats, and a wardrobe full of purple and red hats, and I'm proud of it.

[bytepilot.livejournal.com]

erm...

I think I'm going to need a little more context on this one...

A pistol that fires breast milk ?

A kind of spooky suction cup affair that you can fire at the boobs of tyour arch enemy causing them mild discomfort and severe confusion ?

Just a breast pump that's built from polished brass and copper fittings ?

Does they need fitting to the individual's breasts ?
If so, erm, who's boobs do I need to become professionally acquainted with ?

[bytepilot.livejournal.com]

Or I could just strip it for parts and make rayguns ?

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

In fairness not ALL breast pumps look this ridiculous.....>

http://www.easyexpressionproducts.com/

[bytepilot.livejournal.com]

Oh gods my eyes! my precious eyes!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Move over sister, you won't be alone. All the cakes and nurseries in the world won't ever persuade me into motherhood. I'd prefer a house full of cats and dogs - that's just the way I roll!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaagh!

[ravenrigan.livejournal.com]

EEEEEEEEUUUUUW!

[november-girl.livejournal.com]

It looks like a Torture Garden costume!

[rebeccasmith25.livejournal.com]

i could relate much with this post, really well put, thank you for the post.


Rebbecca
Just stated using ameda ultra (http://www.breastpumpdeals.com/ameda-purely-yours-ultra-breast-pump.html) breast pump.