smokingboot

2010 has been a strange year. It didn't really start for me until after my birthday in July, and then it began to change throughout Autumn, a season that's normally dormant for me. Major changes occurred abruptly, I began to get a sense of my own power again, after a time of feeling very trapped.

I got much more involved in paganism again, and enjoyed it. But my sense of the Divine is changing, as is my sense of Mankind. It has been a peculiar, comfortless year, a year of Steppenwolf syndrome. I don't understand myself. My friends and my lover still bring me joy, but I cannot like humanity en masse. It's grotesque and becoming more so.

And yes, there is a part of me wanting to go into jungles and wilderness places, all the time knowing I love my friends. I have had the most shocking virus thing, from which I begin to recover. Tonight, if I feel the way I do now, we'll pop round to a chum's house, enjoy her peerless generosity and have a truly fun evening. So I'm still connecting on a lot of levels but not all of them. It worries me that I don't want to. Next year I will enjoy people again, I will go to galleries and performances, listen, look, regard and love if I can. I will be more tolerant and work on my fatigue levels. It may be that I am cold in my heart because I'm very tired.

One great gift; I know something I really want to do. But it is so far out of my comfort zone, I may be an idiot to attempt it.

I would like to create a documentary. I know what to write about, I can certainly present it, and I can find cameramen/directors a-plenty. But funding I do not have and do not know how to get, because this would be my first, and there ain't much cash out there. So huh. First I gotta write the thing, and for that I need time. Let's talk about time, mine disappeared, either in work or getting over work.

I must make time.
I must sleep.
I must use the time I have.
I must write. And plan.
I must spend less time at the studio.
I must spend time among good friends, people who show me the best in humanity.
I must laugh more.
I must go home, wherever home is. But I can wait a few more years for that. I think.

Bye bye 2010. Thank you for the start to saving the Tigers, thanks for Chagos, thanks for the info re Defra's plans for Britain's trees, thanks for more awareness of all that is happening.

Now let's get out of here.