smokingboot

I hate mental illness.

It is a subject I start to type about or talk about, and then it hurts so I stop.

Mental illness ruined my family, ruined any chance we had of starting again after everything else combined to harm us. Those things could have been mitigated with clear judgement, but judgement is precisely what mental illness diminishes if not destroys.

No point trying to talk about that yet.

I have had PTSD, still get it from time to time. i had a bout on the 4th. It was a strange thing, silly really. There is a school nearby, I saw dads going to pick up their kids... And locked my front door. Later I had a flashback of the black satin sheets on my old bed, all covered with blood.

It's under control. The trouble is that it opened the door to other issues, suppressed memories, depression, suicidal ideation, disassociative fugues etc. I don't medicate, so maintain awareness just to be careful, to understand what is going on. For all the list sounds difficult, I am actually OK.

Typing, typing, a pain in my heart, my lungs don't seem to expand properly. I can't breathe.

So I stop.