A bit deeper...
Oct. 10th, 2021 07:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootGreat dream! Otters playing in a pond, sticking my head under the water seeing a whole bunch of them waiting in their gestational sacs. They were big, almost ready.
Fair to say the little meal went well. In fact all around the gloom is lifting; the failure of Bro's work project does not rest solely on his shoulders but on those of his inputs. As he said 'I can't be blamed for doing my job...' Actually I'm sure pretty sure he can - blame is very adaptable - but it slices down nicely. They are working as a team to recover the situation. Meanwhile Mum is annoyed that he hasn't phoned her, and the relative is, as far as I know, still very angry.
It will all have to wait.
Lots of work early next week, and then a quick trip to London. If I can I'll pop in to the British Museum and the rest of my time will be spent with friends. Looking forward to it.
Feeling a little strange and out of it right now. A friend has posted something up about masking behaviours of women on the spectrum and I recognised a lot of myself in it. Truthfully, I have been aware of being neuroatypical for a long time. Yes, my current councillor couches it in delicate terms, but she strongly suspects I am autistic. Yes, medical professionals have mentioned this to me before. I personally see the possibility of ADHD being more likely. A proper in-depth medical assessment has been suggested, but what would it actually do?
At most it would give me permission to say to myself, 'these masking activities are indeed mine, I do these things, I have done them since my early years.' But I don't need some assessment costing hundreds of pounds for that. Am I actually going to drop these masking behaviours? Why would I? They make everybody happy, keep me out of trouble, and get me to the place where I can be myself. Where's that place? Wandering around the British Museum then meeting friends at the Cork and Bottle. Can't complain really.
Unmasking is much more painful than masking. And in real life people never want you to do it, never, whatever they say, whatever they think they want. They actually want you to drop the mask they don't like and wear one they do. That's the nature of the beast.
Pff, no. It was odd, reading a list and seeing myself all the way through it, but for the kind of money assessments run into I could buy R that trip to the Grand Prix in Baku.
My mood is a bit strange but I'm all right.
Fair to say the little meal went well. In fact all around the gloom is lifting; the failure of Bro's work project does not rest solely on his shoulders but on those of his inputs. As he said 'I can't be blamed for doing my job...' Actually I'm sure pretty sure he can - blame is very adaptable - but it slices down nicely. They are working as a team to recover the situation. Meanwhile Mum is annoyed that he hasn't phoned her, and the relative is, as far as I know, still very angry.
It will all have to wait.
Lots of work early next week, and then a quick trip to London. If I can I'll pop in to the British Museum and the rest of my time will be spent with friends. Looking forward to it.
Feeling a little strange and out of it right now. A friend has posted something up about masking behaviours of women on the spectrum and I recognised a lot of myself in it. Truthfully, I have been aware of being neuroatypical for a long time. Yes, my current councillor couches it in delicate terms, but she strongly suspects I am autistic. Yes, medical professionals have mentioned this to me before. I personally see the possibility of ADHD being more likely. A proper in-depth medical assessment has been suggested, but what would it actually do?
At most it would give me permission to say to myself, 'these masking activities are indeed mine, I do these things, I have done them since my early years.' But I don't need some assessment costing hundreds of pounds for that. Am I actually going to drop these masking behaviours? Why would I? They make everybody happy, keep me out of trouble, and get me to the place where I can be myself. Where's that place? Wandering around the British Museum then meeting friends at the Cork and Bottle. Can't complain really.
Unmasking is much more painful than masking. And in real life people never want you to do it, never, whatever they say, whatever they think they want. They actually want you to drop the mask they don't like and wear one they do. That's the nature of the beast.
Pff, no. It was odd, reading a list and seeing myself all the way through it, but for the kind of money assessments run into I could buy R that trip to the Grand Prix in Baku.
My mood is a bit strange but I'm all right.
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no subject
Date: 2021-10-10 11:12 am (UTC)To the best of my knowledge, there isn't any consensually agreed upon definition for "autism" and that alone is enough to make me highly suspicious of the term as a diagnosis. The DSM-5 definition is so non-specific as to include practically everyone on the planet.
I am receptive to the notion of a bell-shaped curve of neurological behaviors with concommitant developmental phases. Even so, to my mind, there's no particular merit to being at the center of that curve. Evolution takes place on the margins, you know. Unless a particular outlier behavior is clearly maladaptive, I don't really understand why it should give consternation.
I imagine all interesting people are "on the spectrum" in one way or another. I have at least one classic neurotypical symptom myself, and I guess my thought is, So fucking what?—said rather less defensively than it reads. 😊. I have a what I can only guess is a deviant neurological need for a certain type of tactical/motor stimulation, so I am always carrying a pen around that I can twirl in my fingers. So what?
Life is hard; people are exhausting. I suspect what you're calling "masking" here is what I call "maintaining." Is there really anyone on the planet who doesn't mask?
no subject
Date: 2021-10-11 02:50 pm (UTC)It left me thinking, 'would I be happier if I unmasked? How would I even know if I was unmasking properly?' And yes, to me that lack of release is maintenance of a working life. But is there a better way? My friend is happier and deserves to be. So could I do the same and be more comfortable in it?
Truth is, I don't think so. But maybe that's because I don't know how.