Bad news today
Sep. 7th, 2022 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootI am such a baby really. Need to get past it. Got a meeting in an hour when I just want to curl up and lose myself. Mum is sending me photos of the NASA Rover on Mars to cheer me up.
I am trying to be interested, trying to think of fun things to say to Mum, useful things to contribute in the meeting.
Got to toughen up but can't yet. I will very soon.
So here is a photo of me. I would never put it on FB or anywhere lots of people might see it, and I would certainly never show it to my mother.
I have no make up on, and my hair is stiff with neem oil, but it looks the way I often feel, not happy as such, but that's OK, I don't mind not being happy all the time. It makes me think of the past or another reality, of a me who is wandering along a beach on a hot day, and my hair and skin is salt-tanged and I don't know where I'm going.
It occurs to me that in this moment right now, I'm actually sad, that I could do with a quick cry, but there's no time and it's a stupid thing to cry about. When the meeting's done I can cry if I still want to.
So instead I'll walk in the sand as the tide's coming in, and not think about about being pretty or ugly or getting things right or what people want. Somewhere looking out over the sea, there's a house where a guy sits on his porch and offers me a drink of lemonade. Because he's handsome I take it. We watch the birds calling for a while, and the guy tells me not to worry. I say I'm looking for the sunset and he points me in the right direction.Then I leave and head out to the rocks where the waves hit, and I stay there until the stars are out.
I am trying to be interested, trying to think of fun things to say to Mum, useful things to contribute in the meeting.
Got to toughen up but can't yet. I will very soon.
So here is a photo of me. I would never put it on FB or anywhere lots of people might see it, and I would certainly never show it to my mother.
I have no make up on, and my hair is stiff with neem oil, but it looks the way I often feel, not happy as such, but that's OK, I don't mind not being happy all the time. It makes me think of the past or another reality, of a me who is wandering along a beach on a hot day, and my hair and skin is salt-tanged and I don't know where I'm going.
It occurs to me that in this moment right now, I'm actually sad, that I could do with a quick cry, but there's no time and it's a stupid thing to cry about. When the meeting's done I can cry if I still want to.
So instead I'll walk in the sand as the tide's coming in, and not think about about being pretty or ugly or getting things right or what people want. Somewhere looking out over the sea, there's a house where a guy sits on his porch and offers me a drink of lemonade. Because he's handsome I take it. We watch the birds calling for a while, and the guy tells me not to worry. I say I'm looking for the sunset and he points me in the right direction.Then I leave and head out to the rocks where the waves hit, and I stay there until the stars are out.
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no subject
Date: 2022-09-07 01:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-07 02:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-08 07:09 am (UTC)Thank you
Date: 2022-09-08 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-09 04:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-10 07:29 am (UTC)And I like the photo too, it feels like me.