Almost Adagio
Sep. 5th, 2023 11:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootLordy, I need the cleaner to hurry up and finish, so that I can go to sleep.
I'm clumsy at the best of times, right now I am stumbling rubbish. Gave myself a proper burn a few days back, trying to remove food from the oven. Then I ordered expensive medical cat food... and sent it to an address at which a couple of friends lived years back; a cottage on a hill in Stroud! It was simply at the top of my Amazon list and I didn't check.
My mother's mind has moved beyond obsession with green juices and the powers of olive oil; no-one can focus on one single issue endlessly, and now the shock of the real is leaving her, she moves back into her own comfort zone, her horrible Hall of Mirrors, telling me I must not eat any fish at all because of the Fukusihima water now being released, that there is a new airborne disease out of America, a virus that has one vomiting blood, so I must keep all my windows closed etc, etc. That's the problem with Mum; at first it's fine, it's fine, it's a little odd but still fine, and onward, and up is still up and down is still down, the world is as you understand it - and then somehow there's a sharp turn and you're in a twin universe where absolutely everything is suffused with malignity. I can usually hold my breath in that place for a while if she needs me to reach her there but I can't stay long, and right now I can't bear it at all. Good mental health and the discipline to hold on to it will be imperative over the coming months.
The cleaner's gone, the local groundsman has trundled away on his lawn tractor; it's all so quiet. R has had to fly to England. He was very reluctant to leave me, but I will be OK if I don't allow brain-nibblers in; it's my job to learn how to prevent them. The Lie Tree is waiting for me, the sun is out, the cats are chilling. It's time for me to switch off phone and screen, and read.
I'm clumsy at the best of times, right now I am stumbling rubbish. Gave myself a proper burn a few days back, trying to remove food from the oven. Then I ordered expensive medical cat food... and sent it to an address at which a couple of friends lived years back; a cottage on a hill in Stroud! It was simply at the top of my Amazon list and I didn't check.
My mother's mind has moved beyond obsession with green juices and the powers of olive oil; no-one can focus on one single issue endlessly, and now the shock of the real is leaving her, she moves back into her own comfort zone, her horrible Hall of Mirrors, telling me I must not eat any fish at all because of the Fukusihima water now being released, that there is a new airborne disease out of America, a virus that has one vomiting blood, so I must keep all my windows closed etc, etc. That's the problem with Mum; at first it's fine, it's fine, it's a little odd but still fine, and onward, and up is still up and down is still down, the world is as you understand it - and then somehow there's a sharp turn and you're in a twin universe where absolutely everything is suffused with malignity. I can usually hold my breath in that place for a while if she needs me to reach her there but I can't stay long, and right now I can't bear it at all. Good mental health and the discipline to hold on to it will be imperative over the coming months.
The cleaner's gone, the local groundsman has trundled away on his lawn tractor; it's all so quiet. R has had to fly to England. He was very reluctant to leave me, but I will be OK if I don't allow brain-nibblers in; it's my job to learn how to prevent them. The Lie Tree is waiting for me, the sun is out, the cats are chilling. It's time for me to switch off phone and screen, and read.
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