The Terribleness

[smokingboot]

My little study had reached junk yard levels of untidiness, No spare room on the floor for standing and the glasses cabinet door stuck open behind various boxes, coins, paintings, tubes, letters, books, wrapping paper and a strange blue box whose contents I can't recall. So, I said to my cleaner that if she found time while I was out, she could give the floor a go. I told her not to bother with my desk, and sure enough everything there is the same, except it's covered in pencils she picked up. But the rest of the room is dusted and immaculate. It's eerie. There's a distinct sense of everything in its place with a very satisfied vibe. I get the impression she's been waiting a long time for this moment.

One of the reasons I kept her out of the room before accepting what had to happen was my embarrassment at anyone seeing my paintings. They're really bad. Failure number one started out as a sweet drawing of a tudor lady, and she genuinely had a lovely smile. Then Ralik peed on it, and I didn't have the heart to throw it out so I cleaned it up and did everything I could to rescue it. Well, the lady got darker and darker of mood as did the whole painting, I noodled and made things worse and finally created something so awful I honestly do not want anyone to see it. It's hokey, it's badly painted, it's ridiculous. I am keeping it because I worked hard and long on the stupid thing but the moment my primitive self accepts the painting really doesn't care, I'll paint over the horror and keep the canvas for practice.

Failure number 2 was just a field under a sky. It was an experiment using acrylic paints and spatula for the sky, acrylic pens for the field. The combination was blah. So I went over it using acrylic paints and brushes for the field. It was OK, but still nothing really. Finally I used a palette knife on the field and created what feels to me like a stubble burning scene. I love it but I dare not show it to anyone because while not as abject a failure as number 1, there is the undeniable probability it has no merit at all.