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smokingbootWell, I bit on the bullet. R has suggested to me for some time that I am not OK, that I am clearly depressed.
It feels like I don't have any right to Depression. The cancer's gone. We check in August and perhaps there's a possibility of it returning, sure, but right now I have a lovely life and I should be enjoying it. Sometimes I am enjoying it. My base mood though, is often low. I contacted Maggies (https://www.maggies.org/our-centres/maggies-edinburgh/) who phoned me back within two minutes, suggesting I come in to talk about counselling options. This makes sense given the numbers of courses they do. Phone counselling is available too, but first they would like to meet. I can drop in any time and will do, over the week.
They are already more impressive on this front than MacMillans were back when. I did not find these helpful at all. I was rejected for counselling by their services when I was going through it, because I had needed counselling to do with other matters in the past, by which I think they meant the attack back in 2010. That's not what I wanted, but I get that they wanted to be absolutely sure the counselling would be based exclusively around the cancer, understandable really; you don't want people taking up space created for one kind of trauma and filling it with another. There are only so many resources.
Nevertheless, it was badly done. Some cold crisp voice asking you down the phone if you have considered suicide when you are trying to get your head around a breast cancer diagnosis is unhelpful to say the least. Then they rejected my application and it felt personal though it wasn't. It's just that in that space everything feels personal.
It's insane that among the potential issues around my cancer counselling might be MacMillan's response to my request for cancer counselling! And it shouldn't get in the way, but it does. There are many cancer charities to whom I can donate but I just can't bring myself to go anywhere near MacMillan.
Things are getting better all the time, I know it to be true. I just don't always feel it to be true.
It feels like I don't have any right to Depression. The cancer's gone. We check in August and perhaps there's a possibility of it returning, sure, but right now I have a lovely life and I should be enjoying it. Sometimes I am enjoying it. My base mood though, is often low. I contacted Maggies (https://www.maggies.org/our-centres/maggies-edinburgh/) who phoned me back within two minutes, suggesting I come in to talk about counselling options. This makes sense given the numbers of courses they do. Phone counselling is available too, but first they would like to meet. I can drop in any time and will do, over the week.
They are already more impressive on this front than MacMillans were back when. I did not find these helpful at all. I was rejected for counselling by their services when I was going through it, because I had needed counselling to do with other matters in the past, by which I think they meant the attack back in 2010. That's not what I wanted, but I get that they wanted to be absolutely sure the counselling would be based exclusively around the cancer, understandable really; you don't want people taking up space created for one kind of trauma and filling it with another. There are only so many resources.
Nevertheless, it was badly done. Some cold crisp voice asking you down the phone if you have considered suicide when you are trying to get your head around a breast cancer diagnosis is unhelpful to say the least. Then they rejected my application and it felt personal though it wasn't. It's just that in that space everything feels personal.
It's insane that among the potential issues around my cancer counselling might be MacMillan's response to my request for cancer counselling! And it shouldn't get in the way, but it does. There are many cancer charities to whom I can donate but I just can't bring myself to go anywhere near MacMillan.
Things are getting better all the time, I know it to be true. I just don't always feel it to be true.
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no subject
Date: 2025-05-12 11:01 am (UTC)You've been through a hell of a lot in the past couple of years. You're still going through a lot. And much of it sucks.
For me, depression usually has a component of repressed anger. Like once I can get beyond the no-no of expressing active hostility, I almost immediately start to feel happier (although, of course, I also feel ashamed of my destructive impulses because I don't approve of destructive impulses.)
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 08:19 am (UTC)I did mention this to them later, at a point when it wasn't going to happen so this couldn't be translated as a 'but I wants it!' type whine. These counselling sessions were arranged through BUPA so maybe there was something in the conditions of the agreement between the two. They apologised a lot but explained nothing.
Re Depression, yes, I think there's anger involved and I am exactly the same re the no-no of expressing active hostility. I'm not very good with anger, I am generally not angry/angrily amused/raging with fury. Working out how to deal with it rather than repressing it til stage 3 is what I need to look at.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-13 01:28 pm (UTC)It could be that the insurance providers are very strict on paper about the reasons why they cover therapy—but that's a mandate any good therapist knows how to get around, so, Grrrrrrrr.
Women are brought up to be embarrassed by their own anger. Most men are rather more comfortable with it. I have a rather martial personality (Aries!), so dealing with anger has been a lifelong dilemma for me.
no subject
Date: 2025-05-15 06:15 am (UTC)That's not the way for me but I haven't found a healthy alternative yet.