Stupid Girl

Thanks to lots of lovely people for kindly birthday wishes.

Alas! I deserve none of them. For I am a bloody idiot and I am in despair, teenage angsty despair...

Today I catch up with a chum, a work colleague I really really like and rate and care about. We meet on the stairs and make small talk about, uh well, I can't really remember, but somehow it ends up with him saying ' Hey, a romance connection between you and me?' Without batting an eyelid I flick my hair over my shoulder coolly(hah!) and say 'As If! Puhlease? Do I look stupid?' It came out of my mouth without me thinking.

'Oh!' Says he, 'I'm shot through the heart!' And there's a weird stillness, and all I can think of is:

Boot, you are not Californian.
Boot, you are not in high school.
Boot, you are not seventeen.
Boot, you are not Alicia Silverstone.
Boot, you are lying.

What I actually meant was: Oh man, I think you are amazing and if my partner wasn't the incomparable larians I would be just like every other idiot in this place with a massive crush on you following you around and wishing you'd notice me, but you shouldn't even guess that, I'm supposed to be undivinable re that sort of thing, I thought I was harder to read and you twitted my pride and flustered me and I skewered you so you would never guess how close you got and now I've gone and maybe hurt the person I care about the most in this place, and somehow in a one hundred and eighty degree spin of defensiveness, said the diametric opposite to what I feel!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We're cool, we hugged, everything is fine. I think. Or maybe I should explain the above to him. Or maybe I should just act normal when we next meet, like nothing was said. I really don't know what to do.

I am sitting here with my head in my hands.

The reason I write is cos I can't really communicate at all.