The sunflowers

Good things about this weekend; the company of november_girl and her daughter. Discussions and adventure and lively times! I could not join them in the Witchwood - I had received the news and had to hurry to the hospital.

Bought him sunflowers, because he was born in Summer. They wouldn't let me give them to him, only show him.

'How sad,' he said, 'They'll wither and die... Take them home, put them in water.'
'I will,' I told him, 'I'll keep them. They'll still be your flowers though.'

Hours later I was on the bus home, when a pixie sat down in the seat beside me.
'Those flowers aren't doing well,' he announced. 'Why are they like that?' He touched the drooping petals and leaves. He was clearly quite a poor little boy,with the crappiest little scooter/skateboardy thing. It looked as though it was made of cardboard and rust. I explained I had taken the flowers to a friend in hospital way across town, but the nurses wouldn't let me give them to my friend, so I had to bring them back.
'How much did they cost you?' He said.
'Eleven pounds,' was my reply. He shook his head.
'That's a waste.' I didn't say anything. He was probably right.
He sat there for a while, and we passed a funfair on Plumstead Common. 'You should go there!' He announced, 'You pay £8 to go in, and then you go on all the rides for free! It's fun at night!' He reassured me that maybe my flowers would be all right if I put them in water. He counted all the bus stops till we got off at the same one, and away he went down the hill on his crazy little mocked up ironing board or whatever it was.

There was something about him that reminded me of Jack. I don't know quite how I have become an urchin magnet. A friend told me that it was because I look like a 15 year old boy, but I don't think so. Jack and this one and Izzy... they all seem so happy. I think of my friend as a little boy, remember him in hospital and can't bear it.

Some of the sunflowers have perked up in the water. I have other little plants growing, and one is a sunflower seed.

Guess all you can ever do is try.

Playground Honesty

If you side with the biggest bully in the yard, the one with the rep for stealing other kids' lunches and torturing the neighbourhood pets, you might not be a bully yourself. You might think the bully is much maligned and not a bad person at all, you might think s/he is OK, despite being occasionally anti-social, you might even hope to use your influence to change their ways. But don't be surprised if, on seeing you hang out with the bully, the other kids think you are a bully too.

Breathing

Got to go out, get some stuff done. Still sitting here.

Yesterday, when I was travelling to the hospital, it felt like I couldn't breathe at the top of my lungs. I could see the bit below my diaphragm, almost at my belly, going in and out. But when I tried to take deep breaths, my chest hurt so much I stopped.

Now it's the same. My breath seems to start in my stomach, and when I try to get more air in, my chest feels locked.

I must get on and do. The thing to do is ignore this, trying to concentrate on my breathing just makes it worse.

So now. Do.

Scary Monsters and Super Creeps

I understand that left wing voters are not alone in reeling from post-election shock; one phenomenon that's occurring all over is a sense of angry protest from people who feel villified because they voted for the Conservative party. And I do get it, honestly I do. This was always going to be a visceral fight, because one side genuinely believes it is fighting an evil force, while the other side thinks it is business as usual. Trouble is, business hasn't been usual for a long time.

The development of the Conservative party's Dr Evil Persona wasn't helped by their opposition to the minimum living wage, a terrible mistake as ably expressed by David Skelton in his article on Tory Social reform ( http://www.conservativehome.com/platform/2013/11/from-djskelton-reviving-the-tory-tradition-of-social-reform.html ): In the mid-1990s the Conservatives held out against the introduction of a minimum wage; it also abolished the wages councils that had been established under Churchill. This made the party look uncaring, mean and governed by dogma, and reinforced the perception that the party cared more about the rich and big business than it did about the poor. Its dire warnings about the impact of the minimum wage proved entirely unfounded and helped to compound the error. This created an image around the Tory approach to poverty that still lingers.

It is hard to avoid the idea that the party cares more about the rich and big business, because it is funded by these sources to a large extent (http://blogs.channel4.com/factcheck/labour-funding-party-donors-tories-factcheck/13899) and no-one expects them to be so altruistic they'll shoot the goose that lays the golden egg. None the less, there are limits to acceptance.

If banks/bankers had been called to account for the part they played in the financial crash, if prosecutions had occurred, the party might have been able to distance themselves from the label of Fat Cat defenders. But severity on the poor without severity on the rich does not look like Justice. It looks partisan, and gives resonance to Theresa May's 2002 description of the 'Nasty Party.'

The impact of this reputation can't be overlooked, though it might be tempting to do so, considering that the tories have won the election. But turn out was low - only 37% of a national 66.1% turnout voted Tory. That's a win according to our law, but no indication of how the majority of UK citizens actually feel about benefits sanctions, the badger cull, fox hunting, zero contract hours, the NHS, immigration etc. There was bound to be shock when disagreement with the outcome was loud, vehement and very angry. Tories have found themselves facing a situation where ostensibly the party had won, but personally, individuals find themselves on the losing end of a clamour of voices decrying their choice. It's unpleasant to be in that position.

It's even more unpleasant when people start bandying words like 'paedophile' around. Only a very ignorant person would state that tories are more likely to be paedophiles than anyone else. The problem is that from Leon Brittan's office losing vital information to Margaret Thatcher's knowledge of Peter Hayman's perversions, the Tory party cannot escape its connections with covering up Westminster paedophile scandals and its failure to resolve the issues with justice, expediency and transparency.

People who voted for the tories aren't being accused of being paedophiles. They may be being accused of a readiness to ignore the government's terrible record on dealing with historical child abuse, a less horrible but still grotesque charge, and one that falls under the umbrella of 'Don't you care about what they are doing to poor people/animals?' What does a conservative voter say at this point? There is no answer that makes them sound good. If they say No, they sound like monsters. If they say Yes but, they sound greedy.

It's OK to say the Left was going to leave you stoney broke if Ed's laws went through,it's all right to say that Ed Milliband gave you the screaming heeby-jeebies, it's all right to say whatever you want including,'None of your goddamn business!' What you can't have, is a world where you aren't asked. We will all be challenged. Obviously trolls must be starved out and abuse should not be tolerated, but drawing the line between abuse and angry questioning can be hard. This is not an affable meeting of clever young gentlespods in the Sixth Form Debate club. Billy Bunter is not going to fall into a giant custard pie and make everyone fall about laughing. It is about real people, and real people are visceral and much more angry than the mainstream media ever lets on.