Poor Donkey Body

Well, I probably need to talk to the MacMillan nurses, see if anyone's got proper information on Covid, post-Covid and Cancer. I get the impression there is very little solid research on this, the surgeon just shrugged and said one should not affect the other. But since testing clear I've had an infected tooth, a gastric issue,a very sore throat, a stye, and now fiercely painful cramps locking my hands, all in less than 10 days. Friday I went to the Scottish Museum Collections, Saturday I was OK-ish, Sunday I couldn't get out of my pyjamas and felt terrible all day, far beyond fatigue. When I'm too tired to apply mascara, I am pretty damned tired. I have not bought cards or presents, it's like my mind can't hold to anything. Friends are suggesting we meet for lunch this week, I want to be there, hate to cry off but honestly this looks unlikely for me. Haven't sent cards, barely got presents, lights aren't up... Pff. Definitely letting the side down.

Good friend ranting on FB about 'Covid BS' on the Beeb. A part of me wants to contradict her from my experience, but I can't engage in the online world full of random advice and outrage and knowing better. I am not interested in telling anyone to get the jab/ignore the jab/ wear a mask/forget a mask/vote this way/ use the right language/ mind your privilege/ vote that way/ be very angry with Israel/ be very angry with Hamas/ be very angry with the [insert group of choice]/donate here/ do this/ don't do that/believe this/don't believe that/hate this person/ ignore that person/resent this person. Was it always like this? I think people are saturated with the endless social policing; these gentle admonishers would never dare say such things to one in person because it's in the physical truth of a moment, face to face, that we become aware of the impudent controlling nature of these recommendations. Poor Donkey Body says lets quit. I do what I do and you do what you do and let's be OK if we can.

I don't agree with what my friend says, but she's at liberty to express herself, and that for me is an actively cheering thing, this sense of not being permanently braced or squashed or guarded. I have always been like that friend, generally up for confrontation, not worried about the fighting space. But my body says no. It's not a case of meditation or mindfulness or even basic self control, of placing these pressures and burdens down neatly and making choices and decisions, no. Poor Donkey Body has just thrown almost everything off because she cannot carry much else, no, not even the smallest single thing. And she's much stronger than I am, so I have to listen to her. It may be that by the time this is over, I will be a smarter, calmer person, because when she's not haranguing me to phone the doctor, all Poor Donkey Body wants me to do is eat and sleep.