Unwise

I have much to do, I think, but have been too avoidant to check. And I have less than 48 hours to finish this. So, cue coffee and coca-cola, second can already. Very bad for me, but how else do I get this done?

Frustrating.

I am well now.

So why can't I work, why can't I run, why can't I function, why are all my ways of attending so inefficient? Why do I keep asking the same questions when I have been given the answers?

Oncology nurse checking in on me today, and I will ask. OK, fatigue while I was ill, fatigue during the ops, fatigue during the radiotherapy, accepting these, long term fatigue from the letrozole, accepting this. But putting that last to one side, all the others are done. Why then is this so hard?

R keeps bringing rationality and wisdom into the conversation, telling me that I am trying to just run past the last 18 months of illness, that I am still meant to be recuperating. flemmings quoted Bob Marley to me:


Every day the bucket a-go a-well
One day the bottom a-go drop out

Wise advice. But I thought I would be past this point by now. After all, if I could go into Edinburgh for good times at the weekend, this is just sitting at home writing. It just requires clarity and concentration.

Anyway, fretting causes more difficulty. I must relax, accept that the work to be done will not be so hard, it never is when I actually do it.

I will wait til after the appointment this morning, give myself one hour after just to close my eyes, and then make my way into the list of stuff.

And that will be that.

BOOM!

Finished.

As finished as it needs to be.

I really am an idiot.

Now I stop.