Stupid Girl

[smokingboot]

Thanks to lots of lovely people for kindly birthday wishes.

Alas! I deserve none of them. For I am a bloody idiot and I am in despair, teenage angsty despair...

Today I catch up with a chum, a work colleague I really really like and rate and care about. We meet on the stairs and make small talk about, uh well, I can't really remember, but somehow it ends up with him saying ' Hey, a romance connection between you and me?' Without batting an eyelid I flick my hair over my shoulder coolly(hah!) and say 'As If! Puhlease? Do I look stupid?' It came out of my mouth without me thinking.

'Oh!' Says he, 'I'm shot through the heart!' And there's a weird stillness, and all I can think of is:

Boot, you are not Californian.
Boot, you are not in high school.
Boot, you are not seventeen.
Boot, you are not Alicia Silverstone.
Boot, you are lying.

What I actually meant was: Oh man, I think you are amazing and if my partner wasn't the incomparable larians I would be just like every other idiot in this place with a massive crush on you following you around and wishing you'd notice me, but you shouldn't even guess that, I'm supposed to be undivinable re that sort of thing, I thought I was harder to read and you twitted my pride and flustered me and I skewered you so you would never guess how close you got and now I've gone and maybe hurt the person I care about the most in this place, and somehow in a one hundred and eighty degree spin of defensiveness, said the diametric opposite to what I feel!

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We're cool, we hugged, everything is fine. I think. Or maybe I should explain the above to him. Or maybe I should just act normal when we next meet, like nothing was said. I really don't know what to do.

I am sitting here with my head in my hands.

The reason I write is cos I can't really communicate at all.

Comments

[hybridartifacts.livejournal.com]

Everybody deserves Birthday wishes even if they think they don't (It should be a basic human right).

Age does not always make us wiser-sometimes it leaves us even less prepared for situations and feelings we experienced on a regular basis when younger. I have a father in his late 70s who is out dating again and its painful to watch at times. If anything the skill level seems to often go down as we get older due to lack of practice and the way situations tend to ambush our emotions unprepared. Plus of course both past and existing relationships always complicate everything.

When I get myself in a mess with something I usually make a pros and cons list-a sort of map of the issue. Then I think about. Then I bin the list and move on. Sometimes my thoughts and feelings are clearer by the time I bin the list.

*hug*

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

If he was sufficiently enamoured of you to be hurt by being turned down, sooner or later you would have had to turn him down, and however you'd done it, it would have hurt. He will get over it, and in the end quicker is kinder.

And have a birthday hug.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

*wraps arms round caffeine_fairy in early morning hugfest* thank you!

True, what you say. I am just kicking myself cos there are a dozen more polite and more accurate ways I could have dealt with this. All I needed was the grace to tell him the truth, flattering but final, straight down the line, everyone goes away happy. But noooooo, I had to use my special boot charm on it!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

*smiles* well that does make me feel better, thank you!

People often remark that I look in pretty good nick for my age. I put some of this down to lucky dna (there are other drawbacks in that little packager) but a lot of it down to inveterate emotional infantilism.

Age does not make us wiser, but after this much experience in making mistakes, you'd have thought I'd have learned something!

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

You are far too hard on yourself. He blindsided you and you did the best you could at the time.

More hugs, dammit!

[hybridartifacts.livejournal.com]

lol-yes, we learn how to make the same mistakes even more dramaticaly ;)

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

It's so true! I don't even make new mistakes like a real creative person...I just trot out the same old ones, swollen by time and stupidity!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

*LOL, takes all the hugs and returns them all* Impossible to be unhappy in the presence of the Caffeine Fairy!

Yes, he blindsided me. His fault! And he's as light as sunshine and has probably forgotten already. I love that he's so gifted and gorgeous but my life would be much easier if he wasn't!

Shock, Horror! Boot revealed to be merely human after all

[bytepilot.livejournal.com]

(more hugs)
Darling girl, unless he's dim as a penny candle he'll have recognised your snap response for what it is. He may even have twigged the cause of such a vigourous reply, and even now is thinking to himself.
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much, innnteresting..."

Besides, you're far more alluring than even the most swollen of Boot egos might realise. He'll be back, trailing his less resistant admirers behind him like a sparking trail of valentine scented comet dust.

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

That's *exactly* the sort of thing I would have done. The more I actually like someone the more likely I am to say something I really regret.

If I were in your position, I think I might just say I was sorry, that I hadn't really meant to be hurtful, and leave it at that. He doesn't need to know the other stuff.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

It's good advice and I'll probably take it. He'll be cool...as well as being a picture of physical beauty and mental genius, he also has the emotional health not to hold on to things. For Christ's sake. Who can behave sensibly under the weight of all that damned perfection?

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

He probly has really smelly feet, and secret bad habits.

Re: Shock, Horror! Boot revealed to be merely human after all

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

My dear, you are wise and shrewd beyond measure. If you were not kind, what a power for darkness you would be!

He's no fool but he is young, and I felt the crunch as the arrows hit; I am never more silly than when proving my unstoppable cleverness!*wrings hands*

if I have lost his interest, my vanity will mourn. But if I have lost the love of a friend I begin to care for very much, more than my ego will be sorry...

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Undoubtedly; my visions of unsightly armpit stains on his t-shirt after a long night's work in the studio have sustained my disinterest for months. And he has been known to eat onions.

I feel better already!

[bytepilot.livejournal.com]

Darling boot, you flatter me outrageously* but I know which side my bread is buttered, almost any force for darkness would fall against the shining light in your eyes.
Should there be a fight between one side and the other I'll be checking the teams before I decide which side to join. A battle bwtween "light" and "dark" is pretty abstract, I much prefer the idea of "us" and "them". Or better, "them" and "that other lot" whilst we have tea and cake.

(hugs)
You don't paint a picture of a lad who will decide he doesn't care for you anymore because of a single shocked comment that says you and he will not be lovers
He'll wish, he'll dream, and he'll think mischevious thoughts of you** but unless he's a damn fool he won't just walk away.

*again, damn you're good at this
**shakes comedy fist in the general direction of monogamy

[cyanidemigraine.livejournal.com]

i wouldnt stress about it, he seems eminently equipped to get over it ;)


certainly not worth negating a birthday over.

[hybridartifacts.livejournal.com]

We all tend to do that- we become more of what we really are inside over time unless we actually resolve an issue that makes us as we are. Hope that makes sense-that was a messy sentence.
The trick is effecting change once you realise it I guess. We are usually just awful at turning mistakes into genuine learning experiences, or realising what our vulnerabilities are actually saying to us.
Its not all gloom and doom though-sometimes its the good things we repeat, or we find something good in our vulnerabilities. I have been finding out how much I value family lately following my mothers death two years ago, and its putting me into a position where I can support my father better for it.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Ah, you warm my heart!

After the moment, we hugged, patted each other on the back in a manly way, promised eternal friendship, then he went to give someone feedback and I ran off to a nearby pub with a secret dark little corner in which I almost cried. I honestly think it was shock.

Then I went back to the studio and we pulled off a great show.

I don't understand how anything works. Hurry up with that rocket ship, dearest duke, and we'll take all our belovedests and leave the rest some cake...

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Nah, he'll be very cool, it was just a bit intense and out of the blue. I wish surprises made me honest, instead of resulting in an inevitable blurt of rubbish. Over now, fading fast, unlike my mighty birthday fu!

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

That is a very valuable lesson.

TBH, I have learnt a lot from my mistakes. Shooting my mouth off before I think is still my achilles heel. All I need to do is keep my jaws together. And when I do that, I just seethe until I explode and make matters infinitely worse!

[hybridartifacts.livejournal.com]

The skill then is surely discovering ways to let things seep out gradually rather than either being shot out or bottled up ;)

Its been a long road for me learning how to manage my speaking (and my facial expressions for that matter), and I am still not very good at it. I did learn how to channel my temper though-very handy that. I went from uncontrolled to being able to focus it as I want. Most people find me very placid and gentle, but when I do get angry I can focus it very nicely indeed in only a few words. Its wonderful for stopping people in their tracks...

[bytepilot.livejournal.com]

Delighted to warm you in any way at all m'dear.

If there were hugs and slightly embarrased coughing then all is well. Next time you meet all will be carefully forgotten. Much in the way of a chap who has has declared undying love for his fellow man just a moment before realising that his fellow man is wearing a lavender neck scarf and PVC shorts.

You are a strong Boot, clearly self aware enough to realise your own attraction to this lad and wise enough to choose sensibly about it.

I, and many others love you dearly, once the rocket ship is ready we shall have to bring at least a smattering of them with us...
The ones that can bake at least.

[ravenrigan.livejournal.com]

I think instinctively you may have done the exact right thing. Kept it light, cynical and cool, not let it get too real. If poly is not a possibility, too much honesty might bring a worse burden of pain and oh but's, and angst.

Whereas flip allows you both to be cool, subside behind your respective masks, and stay friends.

Oh the danger and tragedy of flirting, and the unsafe boundareis between friendship and love.

While poly is not necessarily the answer, monogamy begs too many questions....

Que sera sera.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Oh the danger and tragedy of flirting, and the unsafe boundareis between friendship and love.

While poly is not necessarily the answer, monogamy begs too many questions....

Very true indeed. And for all my aphrodisian inclinations I am as confused as ever!

[squintywitch.livejournal.com]

I remember hearing about a guy that won the nobel prize, and years later his wife would complain that he would sit bolt upright in the middle of the night, cursing. When she asked what was wrong he would relate some incident from years ago when he said or did something wrong, then start on "I can't believe I said that..." "if only I hadn't..."

Not really sure what my point is, other than that many people (including nobel prize winners) beat themselves up about stuff that other people have long since forgotten... and Fleur Adcock says the following:

Things

There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.

It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse
and worse

- Fleur Adcock

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks to you and Fleur. I know you are both right and wise except for a small timing discrepancy. At 4.18 a.m, the worse things have taken up their bedside positions early:-(

[imthelorax22.livejournal.com]

Happy birthday a bit late! I for some reason thought you were my age-ish (25). Hey, its a complement, though we've never met. He he.

We've all had our moments like that. I plan some very intelligent things to say in these situations, but it just doesn't work out that way.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

*LOL* Thank you! TBH, it comes as a bit of a shock to most people...I have never been a mature individual (as you can tell from my post!) and one of the few upsides to this is that somehow my body reflects that.

My planned responses are so clever, but it never works out for me either! Why do people spring these things on us? Surprise and tact don't mix!