Intense

[smokingboot]

Today, I had a massive PTSD attack, including a disassociated 10 minutes where I didn't know where I was. This was not down to the actual event that occurred, but related matters, less visceral but a major part of the trauma none the less. I will not go into them for fear of another attack. I have not had anything so powerful for a long time.

It was a severe attack; I found myself again in a field near a wood, and I grabbed my phone and spoke to larians who was very patient. Head spinning I went into the wood, and it was lovely. I found a golden mushroom and some bonny white flowers I thought might be anemones. I sang to cheer myself up, and finished just in time to see a drug addict powerwalk down the path through the trees towards me.

This is the problem with the wood. Lovely it is, but it's still a wood, once famous for highwaymen etc. Now I stared at the man, and my first thought was to wonder if I was hallucinating. I wasn't. He was quite tall, junkie thin, raddled, poor in poor clothes, and he was heading straight for me very purposefully, me with my stupid big bag complete with phone and purse and oyster card. I stood ready for a fight, when it occurred to me I didn't have to. I wasn't in a room, I was in the wood, and I could do what I wanted. I wanted to run, so I lolloped off down the path, getting faster and faster. I ran like a hare.



And it felt really good, to be able to run away, to be free. I didn't want to fight, I didn't need to, but it was good to know I could if necessary. He followed me up to the bus stop, then crossed to the other side of the road, where he examined the contents of a few dustbins.

I got on a bus and went away. Not far enough; it's beyond me to explain how much I want to escape, how I want Scotland or the coast of Cornwall, or just to do a Bilbo and walk out of my front door and see where the road takes me.

I wonder how many hoboes started from this point, never came back and faded into their own stories, sleeping on the streets or just disappearing.

This is why, despite the very kind assurances of certain chums, I do not think LARP is a good hobby for me right now. It's not that I am likely to scream at some poor dude covered in fake blood, or have hysterics at the sight of a latex sword - these are not issues. It's that I am hypervigilant, never quite at rest, always ready to fight or flee. I am too ready to react. In most situations my judgement would be fine. But if someone stepped out of the dark as an unexpected threat, I don't know how I would react, and it isn't fair on anybody involved. A shame, because I liked playacting, wandering across fields and joining friends getting drunk around campfires. Still, it's an intense hobby, and intensity is the last thing I need.

I am drinking one of those Kopparberg strawberry and lime ciders, they taste like fruit ribena and give me an automatic headache.

That's me done for the day.

Comments

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

Oh love.

*gentle hugs*

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Bless you *hugs back*

[nyarbaggytep.livejournal.com]

Running is good.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Isn't it? Always love running!

[happybat.livejournal.com]

I don't live in the very nicest part of Scotland, but it's in range of a fair amount of green. And I have a spare room. Any use to you?

Cx

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

How kind you are Catherine. I would like that very much, though everything is vague and strange right now. But maybe there will be a time when I can. I know there are going to be many times when I want to.

Thank you. XXX

[squeezypaws.livejournal.com]

Hope you are feeling more calm, sounds like a distressing episode which you handled really well. Running is good. I find it reminds me of the power in my body that normally just sits there doing nothing much. x

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your gentle thoughts...I am all right now. Yes, our bodies can do so much, and I forget that all the time!

[november-girl.livejournal.com]

I appreciate it's hardly Scotland, but you are always welcome up here for a few days if it might help.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thank you Anita, it would be lovely to spend time with you XXX

[jfs.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that m'dear. Many of the things I enjoyed about LRP events I also found in music festivals; especially if you go with simpatico friends. They have the same wandering around at walking speed, and can have fireplaces and new experiences and gentle surprises without the intensity.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks John, I hadn't thought of it like that...I bought us a couple of tickets to Sonisphere for Russ' 40th, so I will try to approach it like that, though perhaps some smaller more remote festivals would also work. Are there any you can recommend for that vibe? I don't know much about them, though friends tell me that Secret Garden, Beautiful Days and Endorse it in Dorset are excellent.

[jfs.livejournal.com]

I can't rate Beautiful Days highly enough. Definitely go there. And Secret Garden was fun when I went 5-6 years ago - beautiful grounds, art surprises around every corner, a sense of play. But when I went there were 5000 people there and I've heard it's now 20,000 and I'm not sure it will hold the same feeling. And even when I was there, one of the bands on the Friday afternoon looked out at the crowd and said "Fuck me, Camden must be empty this weekend". Make of that what you will.

I've not been to Endorse-it but Gary and Emma have and they've always raved about it.

If you'll permit a small commercial plug; there's a tiny festival called Chilled In A Field run by a group of the people I worked with at Planet Angel; it's a family friendly festival so lots of kids during the day might be a turn off, but I guarantee you won't meet a nicer group of folks. And they put heart and soul into it.

More than anything else though - find the right people to go with. I think you'll be at Sonisphere with John and Anita? Some of my best weekends ever have been at festivals with Gary and Emma. Can't beat it.

I'm a bit out of the festival circle at the mo, but lots of friends still are in it. If I hear them raving, I'll let you know?

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

These sound fantastic, thank you, and yes, more info is always welcome. I've heard the same as you have about Secret Garden - a bit too big for its initial magic. I'll look for Chilled In A Field, see if I can find the website!