Bro

[smokingboot]

Contacted me. He wants to meet up and 'short circuit' all the awful stuff that happened. He wants reconciliation.

This is such a massive thing for him to do and say, I totally want to say yes, I completely want to encourage him in such a healthy and difficult thing to do, and I miss him. I want us to be friends.

But I can't go through the argument again. It has to end, it has to not exist anymore. My relationship with him is like walking through a big green field; 9 times out of 10 it's fine, the 10th time it's a shooting range. You never know which time it is until you walk across.

He thinks I am monstrously strong, but I'm honestly the normal one, or the one trying to be normal. It's not strength, monstrous or otherwise. I am just that kid who wants a daisy bright day:
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

I so want us to be friends, but I don't want to go through this ever again.

And I will work out a way to do this. But for now, I can't carry on reading and writing, not least because my laptop's going kaput and maybe I am too.

Time to return to this tomorrow.

Comments

[mallorys_camera]

Not to get all New Age-y on you, but I do believe that forgiveness is something we give ourselves because it is just so emotionally exhausting to carry on feuding.

Of course, it is a gift that I am particularly bad at giving myself. 😀

Also, for some reason, I am under the impression that Bro's erratic behavior is linked to alcohol or other substance intake.

[caddyman]

Brave heart, Boot. Brave heart! x

[smokingboot]

I think you are right on both counts.

Feuds are tiring. I have learned how to cut and forget, but this is Bro. You are also right about the substance abuse. While he's had flings with all sorts of interesting stuff, he seems to think that alcohol is the issue. I personally think he is fighting demons unknown to me, and ignored by himself. Alcohol has a way of finding those who hide from everything else.

[smokingboot]

Am giving it my best go. Have sent a message being positive about resuming friendship, and appreciating his effort. Not wanting the bad stuff back, I wrote '...So if you reckon it is gone, we reconcile, and if it isn't, we wait til it is.'