An Empty Place

[smokingboot]

Here I go again, wanting to run away from pain.

When I close my eyes, I can hear voices outside, people on the way to school or work, my husband talking to his colleagues, the occasional car.

And I want to just get dressed and get on a train. Where to? Possibly Tignabruich, to ask Dad to take care of our little cat. Today, bestie sent me the photo of a lit candle placed for Surya. It caught my breath and made me cry. Maybe Ardnamurchan would be better, one road in one road out, wilderness. Sea sound and birds and emptiness.

But it's silly. If I am going to collapse anywhere it might as well be here. And anyway, I am not going to collapse. How hard it feels just to breathe! I will move, pick some wet thyme and crush it between my hands, connect into life. There is a lot to do after all, if I just get up.