Spiegel im Spiegel
Jul. 3rd, 2024 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootA difficult day. Tomorrow I must remember to get things done first thing, to accept that the way things are right now I'm inefficient after about 11 am. There is one appointment today, and I am stuck in waiting mode. This means my lack of focus is day long, I am making mistakes in everything including my writing. Edits are a no-no.
It feels like a waste of time, like something willpower should be able to change.
There is so much I should be doing.
How is it that I can't?
It's hard work writing about it, about anything.
The skin on my hands is very dry and tight.
I'm OK, my mood is not low, but it's baffling being like this. I want the appointment to turn up and be over. I want music. Spiegel im Spiegel is how I feel, but that's not what I want. I don't want to fade gorgeously, some delicate heroine asleep in a room full of exquisite beauties, white flowers in a vase, soft gauzy veils over a bed of swans feathers, glass ornaments and art nouveaux mirrors and Alexander Dumas dedicating his greatest novel to me while I dream. Send them all away! Most important, on no account let Puccini near me; he's not lucky for women.
I want to be awake. I want to be moving.
But every bone and muscle, even my brain is saying let this music play out. Tomorrow will be better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZe3mXlnfNc
It feels like a waste of time, like something willpower should be able to change.
There is so much I should be doing.
How is it that I can't?
It's hard work writing about it, about anything.
The skin on my hands is very dry and tight.
I'm OK, my mood is not low, but it's baffling being like this. I want the appointment to turn up and be over. I want music. Spiegel im Spiegel is how I feel, but that's not what I want. I don't want to fade gorgeously, some delicate heroine asleep in a room full of exquisite beauties, white flowers in a vase, soft gauzy veils over a bed of swans feathers, glass ornaments and art nouveaux mirrors and Alexander Dumas dedicating his greatest novel to me while I dream. Send them all away! Most important, on no account let Puccini near me; he's not lucky for women.
I want to be awake. I want to be moving.
But every bone and muscle, even my brain is saying let this music play out. Tomorrow will be better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZe3mXlnfNc
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no subject
Date: 2024-07-03 03:10 pm (UTC)You gotta listen to your body, not your mind. One of them is lying.
Yeah, age, long covid, cancer, they all cut down on what's doable. Sucks, but there it is.
Too right about Puccini, and Verdi wasn't much better. Mozart, now, Mozart would kill his hero.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-04 10:08 am (UTC)A bit of Mozart interspersed with Minogue sounds like a great afternoon to me.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-03 03:53 pm (UTC)And you already know every one of the platitudes I'm tempted to write, so I won't inflict them on you.
Waiting can be anxiety-producing. And terrifying. If distraction isn't forthcoming, this is generally the point where I turn to drugs. Though distraction is better.
no subject
Date: 2024-07-04 10:07 am (UTC)I really hate waiting. Extra patience needed makes the bad times worse and the good times anti-climactic. People say gratification held off is better than that instantly given, but with a few notable exceptions I've never found that to be the case. As an unreconstructed boot, I want what I want when I want it, and having to hang around gets me so bored I end up wanting something else. I'm sure I will grow out of this one day ;-)