Fear

[smokingboot]

My father died after having been admitted to hospital. There was something up, they took him in, found nothing. He was sleeping in a hospital bed when he died, all very peaceful. But there had to be an autopsy because he had been given the all-clear. They found COPD, perhaps no great surprise given that he was a heavy smoker all his life. He was 73, just over a decade older than I am now.

My aunt was properly old when she went for an operation that might kill her, to stave off a condition that would kill her. She survived the operation but never regained consciousness.

Looking back, I am thinking of the friends and family who have gone. I don't feel anything like that around me, but does anyone ever? And I remember the nearest I have had to a death dream; stepping off a hospital gurney and walking away.

It is a very very tiny chance. But if you thought it was coming, what would you say, and why not say it now before chance and time cut the breath out of your sentence?

I'd say:

Thank you X
If I owe you an apology, I'm sorry.
If you owe me, debt cancelled. We are not going through this nonsense again on my account.
Enjoy your love and have some more.
Wishing you beauty always.
Party on!

I don' think today is that day. But as I sit here able to take stock of this little fear, these thoughts are worth remembering.

Now, let's get this thing done.