A favour

[smokingboot]

Chums of mine will know that I have written a book, and am currently tearing my hair out over the synopsis. Part of my concern is the first paragraph. My original was fast enough, I hope, to pull readers into the action, but one person on reading it, found it too abrupt; he suggested a more introductory approach. I have written both beginnings below. If you have nothing better to do, I would appreciate your thoughts on which, if either, of these would induce you to read further.

Maybe the place for this is just_writing, only I've put stories up there before and fear to drown the community in my endless babblings.

Here's the opening quote:

ANNO 1670 not far from Cirencester, was an apparition; being demanded whether a good spirit or a bad? Returned no answer, but disappeared with a curious perfume and a most melodious twang. Mr. W. Lilly believes it was a fairy.

- John Aubrey (1626-97) Miscellanies


Here's the original paragraph:

Book 1.


Last night the doorbell rang. It was very late, far past midnight, and I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front door step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Here's the altered original:


Book 1.

It began with a severed finger. It began with a gift in winter. It began with a knock at my door, far past midnight on the coldest night of the year. I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Comments

[mitchy.livejournal.com]

I prefer the first one. It does exactly what it's supposed to do, it sucks you in to the story directly, with no messing about. While the second one is good, it's a little fussy, like trying to be literary for literary's sake.

For what it's worth, I'd change the second one to "It began with a gift in winter. It began with a knock at my door, far past midnight.." Less fussy and closer to the snappiness of the original.

IMNSHO :)

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thanks for this input, it's very interesting.

I will try the change and see how it works!