A favour

[smokingboot]

Chums of mine will know that I have written a book, and am currently tearing my hair out over the synopsis. Part of my concern is the first paragraph. My original was fast enough, I hope, to pull readers into the action, but one person on reading it, found it too abrupt; he suggested a more introductory approach. I have written both beginnings below. If you have nothing better to do, I would appreciate your thoughts on which, if either, of these would induce you to read further.

Maybe the place for this is just_writing, only I've put stories up there before and fear to drown the community in my endless babblings.

Here's the opening quote:

ANNO 1670 not far from Cirencester, was an apparition; being demanded whether a good spirit or a bad? Returned no answer, but disappeared with a curious perfume and a most melodious twang. Mr. W. Lilly believes it was a fairy.

- John Aubrey (1626-97) Miscellanies


Here's the original paragraph:

Book 1.


Last night the doorbell rang. It was very late, far past midnight, and I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front door step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Here's the altered original:


Book 1.

It began with a severed finger. It began with a gift in winter. It began with a knock at my door, far past midnight on the coldest night of the year. I walked down and opened the door to see a finger on the front step. I bent down to take a closer look. It was clean cut and dry, no blood or decomposition. I looked up.

Comments

[thalinoviel.livejournal.com]

I much prefer the first, but I'm not clever enough to explain why that one would keep me reading and the other one not.

I suspect that "a novel" is written in small letters under the title on the cover of the book that begins with the second paragraph - and that's never a good sign.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you explain them very well!

I see what you mean about that self-consciousness in writing; It's like a book saying, "Here I am, a novel. You can tell, by the way I start!

"Never a good sign," hmm, yes, but perhaps a comforting sign to agents; a novel that starts in recogniseable novel stylee, something you know you can sell to a publisher.

I don't know! My head's on fire!