Introspection; the dark side of the boot
Nov. 20th, 2003 03:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootI am in an odd mood today, possibly because I did a late night shift and am due another tonight…but dunno, there’s a curious feeling around, and I am trying not to bite it…The rest of this post is very introspective and dull, and I will cut it, out of respect to those who want to enjoy reading LJs!
Did a bit of meandering through friends of friends’ lj’s. I have never wandered so far before, as I want to keep myself private, but there is also some really interesting stuff out there. I would like to tell people how cool I think it is, but I don’t know enough about LJ etiquette to dare. Public status is self evident, so no point being precious, but it seems impolite to honk in with un-asked for comments. I guess the deal is to read, admire, move on. But I inadvertantly came across an interesting post on honesty and where it becomes rudeness and it really made me think.
Honesty. I pride myself on my honesty, but I’m not sure I should. I try to use tactful honesty with my friends (unless alcohol is involved!) and often fail, cos what is in my head or heart comes out of my mouth the moment I trust the people I’m with.
Conversely, when I don’t care, or actively dislike someone, I just don’t bother with tact, and go for the cold hard truth. Monstrous! Who am I to judge? But I do. And because I can empathise if I try, my insights are often correct. But do insights given by someone who exposes your flaws and then sits back waiting for you to trip over constitute karmic help? Possibly. In a ‘Devil as ally’ sort of way. But that is reaching. People I don’t like tend to have one characteristic in common: a real deep down lack of personal integrity. That’s my button. That’s what sets my phaser on kill. And it’s also my most arrogant, if correct, judgement!
There is a cold hard side to Smokingboot; I am perfectly happy to tell people who’ve annoyed me something thoroughly true and watch them fuck themselves up by trying to avoid /rationalise/ forget it. I can’t be arsed to run around making people’s lives unhappy, cos my own life is so full of happy bustly-ness, but I am totally capable of watching and laughing as the flaw they avoided sorting in the first place raises its head again and again and again, and I just love it when they run away. Judgemental and cruel, and being Right doesn’t help. Naughty Boot!
And there’s the rub. I really don’t like to lie – now that is weird, after all this, to realise that I almost never lie - but the truth can be painful, and given the right (or the wrong) circumstances, I am quite capable of enjoying its’ effect. And that is not a cool way to be. Things have changed since BB and I got together, and I found a home, security, real love, honesty, integrity and friendship all bundled under one chummy little roof. But I won’t deny that a Tower Raven sits in my heart ready to peck out the eyes of traitors and gibbet-scum. I’m not the hangman, but I’ll be there, sitting on the beam, cawing ‘I told you so!’ and, I am afraid, laughing. Very Naughty Boot! It’s not my only totem, but it’s perhaps the one with the most negative connotations, one I should remember to respect and not gloss over, because it is powerful.
Wow. That is the most honest I have been on my LJ. And it doesn’t hurt a bit. How surprising is that?
Did a bit of meandering through friends of friends’ lj’s. I have never wandered so far before, as I want to keep myself private, but there is also some really interesting stuff out there. I would like to tell people how cool I think it is, but I don’t know enough about LJ etiquette to dare. Public status is self evident, so no point being precious, but it seems impolite to honk in with un-asked for comments. I guess the deal is to read, admire, move on. But I inadvertantly came across an interesting post on honesty and where it becomes rudeness and it really made me think.
Honesty. I pride myself on my honesty, but I’m not sure I should. I try to use tactful honesty with my friends (unless alcohol is involved!) and often fail, cos what is in my head or heart comes out of my mouth the moment I trust the people I’m with.
Conversely, when I don’t care, or actively dislike someone, I just don’t bother with tact, and go for the cold hard truth. Monstrous! Who am I to judge? But I do. And because I can empathise if I try, my insights are often correct. But do insights given by someone who exposes your flaws and then sits back waiting for you to trip over constitute karmic help? Possibly. In a ‘Devil as ally’ sort of way. But that is reaching. People I don’t like tend to have one characteristic in common: a real deep down lack of personal integrity. That’s my button. That’s what sets my phaser on kill. And it’s also my most arrogant, if correct, judgement!
There is a cold hard side to Smokingboot; I am perfectly happy to tell people who’ve annoyed me something thoroughly true and watch them fuck themselves up by trying to avoid /rationalise/ forget it. I can’t be arsed to run around making people’s lives unhappy, cos my own life is so full of happy bustly-ness, but I am totally capable of watching and laughing as the flaw they avoided sorting in the first place raises its head again and again and again, and I just love it when they run away. Judgemental and cruel, and being Right doesn’t help. Naughty Boot!
And there’s the rub. I really don’t like to lie – now that is weird, after all this, to realise that I almost never lie - but the truth can be painful, and given the right (or the wrong) circumstances, I am quite capable of enjoying its’ effect. And that is not a cool way to be. Things have changed since BB and I got together, and I found a home, security, real love, honesty, integrity and friendship all bundled under one chummy little roof. But I won’t deny that a Tower Raven sits in my heart ready to peck out the eyes of traitors and gibbet-scum. I’m not the hangman, but I’ll be there, sitting on the beam, cawing ‘I told you so!’ and, I am afraid, laughing. Very Naughty Boot! It’s not my only totem, but it’s perhaps the one with the most negative connotations, one I should remember to respect and not gloss over, because it is powerful.
Wow. That is the most honest I have been on my LJ. And it doesn’t hurt a bit. How surprising is that?
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Date: 2003-11-19 01:31 pm (UTC)November_Girl's point about integrity has me thinking hard. Yes, people justify themselves to themselves to feel better. Rapists say 'She was asking for it,' paedophiles say 'Kids love it.' Whether they really believe their own drivel is another matter. Surely integrity is not about creating a system of values whereby one's own ego is the winner. The people I can't stand are those who will sacrifice every truth and twist every perception to gratify their egos.