Introspection; the dark side of the boot

[smokingboot]

I am in an odd mood today, possibly because I did a late night shift and am due another tonight…but dunno, there’s a curious feeling around, and I am trying not to bite it…The rest of this post is very introspective and dull, and I will cut it, out of respect to those who want to enjoy reading LJs!

Did a bit of meandering through friends of friends’ lj’s. I have never wandered so far before, as I want to keep myself private, but there is also some really interesting stuff out there. I would like to tell people how cool I think it is, but I don’t know enough about LJ etiquette to dare. Public status is self evident, so no point being precious, but it seems impolite to honk in with un-asked for comments. I guess the deal is to read, admire, move on. But I inadvertantly came across an interesting post on honesty and where it becomes rudeness and it really made me think.

Honesty. I pride myself on my honesty, but I’m not sure I should. I try to use tactful honesty with my friends (unless alcohol is involved!) and often fail, cos what is in my head or heart comes out of my mouth the moment I trust the people I’m with.

Conversely, when I don’t care, or actively dislike someone, I just don’t bother with tact, and go for the cold hard truth. Monstrous! Who am I to judge? But I do. And because I can empathise if I try, my insights are often correct. But do insights given by someone who exposes your flaws and then sits back waiting for you to trip over constitute karmic help? Possibly. In a ‘Devil as ally’ sort of way. But that is reaching. People I don’t like tend to have one characteristic in common: a real deep down lack of personal integrity. That’s my button. That’s what sets my phaser on kill. And it’s also my most arrogant, if correct, judgement!

There is a cold hard side to Smokingboot; I am perfectly happy to tell people who’ve annoyed me something thoroughly true and watch them fuck themselves up by trying to avoid /rationalise/ forget it. I can’t be arsed to run around making people’s lives unhappy, cos my own life is so full of happy bustly-ness, but I am totally capable of watching and laughing as the flaw they avoided sorting in the first place raises its head again and again and again, and I just love it when they run away. Judgemental and cruel, and being Right doesn’t help. Naughty Boot!

And there’s the rub. I really don’t like to lie – now that is weird, after all this, to realise that I almost never lie - but the truth can be painful, and given the right (or the wrong) circumstances, I am quite capable of enjoying its’ effect. And that is not a cool way to be. Things have changed since BB and I got together, and I found a home, security, real love, honesty, integrity and friendship all bundled under one chummy little roof. But I won’t deny that a Tower Raven sits in my heart ready to peck out the eyes of traitors and gibbet-scum. I’m not the hangman, but I’ll be there, sitting on the beam, cawing ‘I told you so!’ and, I am afraid, laughing. Very Naughty Boot! It’s not my only totem, but it’s perhaps the one with the most negative connotations, one I should remember to respect and not gloss over, because it is powerful.

Wow. That is the most honest I have been on my LJ. And it doesn’t hurt a bit. How surprising is that?

Comments

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

What a way to remember him, very delicate and powerful.

Deepest sympathies and respect.