Smellies and the strangest perfumier in the world

Even as a toddler I had a keen sense of smell. My mother used to tell me off about it. '[Boot]' she confided to me many years later, 'You would lift your nose to the air and sniff just like a little dog. It had to be stopped.' Her way of stopping me was to train my olfactory enthusiasm in the niffing of perfume. Her perfume supplies were elegant and very expensive. For her, cheap perfume was a hideous anomaly; if it hadn't cost half a year's salary it probably wasn't proper perfume. Arpege de Lanvin, Jean Patou's Joy, Must by Cartier...these were her standbys. My father brought back some stuff called 'Prophesy' from Saudi Arabia. The bottle was beautiful, but the scent ended up being ignominiously poured down the loo. A hardworking woman all her life, my mother was only a diva when it came to perfume, but in her divahood, as in all things, she earned a pedestal all her own.

I remember her allowing me to wear a couple of drops of Arpege once, and a boy at the school following me round saying, 'You smell like a real girl.' I was puzzled as, in my experience, real girls smelt of gum, but years later he confessed he was experiencing his first 'proper erection,' because of the smell. Powerful stuff. I never had the heart to tell him his boner was born of whale vomit; for some revelations there's never a good time.

Years later, I still love perfume. I am careful about what I buy but I'll test anything, and if I like it, find out about the company's status regarding animal welfare. If they're on my list of good guys then all bets are off. I am well capable of filling our house with smellies no-one but me can abide. Now, disaster has struck. I liked Thierry Mugler's 'Angel' because I enjoy smelling of vanilla, caramel and chocolate, with a bit of patchouli thrown in, yum! I was the first to wear it at the studio two years ago. Now, everyone wears it, worse, the Babes all wear it. To explain the Babes; on the upper floors of the building where I work, interactive shows are aired where girls in bikinis pout into cameras and pant down phones. Each to their own, still I prefer to avoid anything quite as evocative of lips and nips. So no more Angel, boo! And I've been using Versace Crystal Noir all last year. Now where do I find a new signature scent?

It was in the search for an answer that I found myself facing the strangest perfumes in the world; the creations of Serge Lutens.
( Tart )

( Scent and Sepulchres )

There are others, including Borneo 1834, ever so spicy with a gorgeous patchouli base that might be great for larians, and Douce Amere which smells like rice pudding with a little bit of absinthe, and dries down to smell just like barbie and cindy dolls did when they came straight out of the wrapping, especially their hair, kind of...latex-ish? I am not selling it very well. It is a bit milky but very lady-like with an underlying scent that's like gardenia but not old fashioned. I could wear it to meet my mother. Until my boyfriend gives it a whiff, I won't know if it's sexy.

I'll list my favourites in other posts so I don't forget. Right now, I can't work out if Serge Lutens is brilliant,horrible, or just a hype-god. Maybe I should listen to the advice of my nose. 'Run!' It says, 'Just run!'