The Secret of Rapido

We have this 60 litre aquarium. I bought it for larians years ago, and it turned out to be a real hassle for him to keep up, so we agreed to co-own it. I tend to do most of the feeding and cleaning out now, and it is a happy little world containing:


Some platties; tiny and gold, and not very interesting.
Some tetras; aquarium cliches but I love them, flashing around in shoals of electric blue and red, plus a couple with natty touches of black and orange.
Some corydoras; best fishies ever, scurring along the bottom with barbs on their upper lips, they like to clown around and hang out together.

A Siamese/Japanese fighting fish called Rory. Rory was a scarlet varlet, adhering to redhead stereotypes with displays of hot-not-to-be-messed-with-attitude towards every other mofo in the tank. Rory was ill served by me. On one occasion, I found a foamy mess on the surface, I thought it was a problem and changed the water. It turned out to be his bubble nest, made to attract females. Contrite, I bought him two girlfriends, who now follow him around with determined expressions. He just skulks in the greenery. Hasn't blown a single bubble in months.

Then there's Rapido, the golden apple snail. These things are brilliantly alien, with their luminous lemon lungs, shiny shells and elongated antennae. Contrary to most snail kind, they can shift around the tank at a respectable speed; Rapido's favourite trick is to glide up the sides of the tank and launch off, often narrowly missing fish on its way down to the bottom. But that's not the only trick Rapido can pull.

Cleaning the tank yesterday I noticed a pale bubbly penis shape adhering to the underside of the aquarium cover, close to the light. Turns out Rapido is a girl, and girl snails can keep sperm in themselves for months, waiting for the optimum time and place to pump out eggs. Clearly the harlot mollusc got it on before I acquired her, and was just waiting for the right moment. 'Treat it as a compliment!' warbles some idiotic web page, 'She thinks you've made her a lovely home!'

I'm aghast. How can all these eggs have been inside her? The clutch is twice as long as she is, and thick too. Eeugh.

Pet shops don't seem to want the eggs - they may want the babies, but only at decent size - and if I leave all these to hatch, the aquarium will be over-run. The vegetation doesn't stand a chance and the little devils will even eat mama in certain circumstances.

Still, these little guys can be all sorts of interesting colours. I hate to destroy them as the pet shop recommends, but I'm not sure there's any option.

Rapido, Rapido,I give you a good home and this is how you repay me...