C'est ici l'empire de la mort

I can't watch the service today,nor go to the Animals in War memorial; Can't close my eyes and try to connect to those people who died, can't go near the poetry and the thoughts of how it must have been. My respect is the same as always, but I have not bought a poppy this year.

Since last year death has been everywhere and close. I cannot connect much more closely with it without losing my mind. I keep seeing a kind of vision of Shergar. The reason we cannot have pegasus is that people will kill the winged horse, the extraordinary, the beautiful. Maybe that's at the heart of the Christian story. The beauty is killed, across territories of death.

When I feel it, the cold just comes over me. I want to cry for the people, the animals, the ruin, and my tears make absolutely no difference so I won't. I can't describe the extent of this feeling. Medical professionals who helped me with the PTSD told me that this was Depression, and I would feel better with medication.

I am not taking medication because this is not Depression, it's the way things are. There are also good things, and I'm going to write of them in my next post. But for now, while my respect and love for the fallen hasn't changed, this one time I can't connect any deeper, or I am just lost.