Jun. 9th, 2016

Dad's Rose

Jun. 9th, 2016 01:00 pm
smokingboot: (default)
I was at a bus stop when Dad's wife phoned me to tell me the news.

I got onto the bus to keep going, then found I couldn't so got off again, and wandered around. My neighbour phoned, apropos of notihng, and when I told her, came and picked me up, brought me back.

She bought me  a rose to commemorate him. Appropriately it is a rambler. All our roses are suffering from the usual suspects, aphids and black spot. I don't want to spray, and keep hoping ants/ladybirds/wasps will turn up for some free snackage but the lazy gits are ignoring us. My plan is to spray after sunset, when the bees have gone home, but I keep forgetting. The roses have been frenzied in blooming anyway, except his.

Today I saw that the first flowers on Dad's rose have opened. They are small, very sweet, very fragrant.


smokingboot: (default)
Doc's making an urgent referral. The big bad stuff has been ruled out by the blood test, but this gets me seen within two weeks by a specialist. Reassuring.

About the rose, I am expecting Bro to make a fuss,as I put pics of it on FB. He's been pretty unhappy about me softening in attitude,writing poems/planting roses re Dad,like I'm betraying all we went through and failing to focus on the truth. I think he sees it as hypocrisy.

I understand perfectly.  But in no way have I made Dad out to be better than he was.

I don't know if I am even talking about the real Dad, the person he started out as or a complete fiction. Last night I had a flash of a waking dream I keep having, where Dad's in the distance,and I call and he turns around, but he is so far away I can't make out his face. Sometimes after that,a kind of dizziness comes over me,and I feel like I am going to faint/fall down stairs/something like that. Then I don't see him anymore.

I am not sure what these feelings are, or how legitimate they are.  I endorse my brother's dismissal of sentiment and deathsugar.

Still, there's the dream; Me calling out a name, wondering if he hears me.

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