Dad's Rose

I was at a bus stop when Dad's wife phoned me to tell me the news.

I got onto the bus to keep going, then found I couldn't so got off again, and wandered around. My neighbour phoned, apropos of notihng, and when I told her, came and picked me up, brought me back.

She bought me  a rose to commemorate him. Appropriately it is a rambler. All our roses are suffering from the usual suspects, aphids and black spot. I don't want to spray, and keep hoping ants/ladybirds/wasps will turn up for some free snackage but the lazy gits are ignoring us. My plan is to spray after sunset, when the bees have gone home, but I keep forgetting. The roses have been frenzied in blooming anyway, except his.

Today I saw that the first flowers on Dad's rose have opened. They are small, very sweet, very fragrant.

No real reason

Doc's making an urgent referral. The big bad stuff has been ruled out by the blood test, but this gets me seen within two weeks by a specialist. Reassuring.

About the rose, I am expecting Bro to make a fuss,as I put pics of it on FB. He's been pretty unhappy about me softening in attitude,writing poems/planting roses re Dad,like I'm betraying all we went through and failing to focus on the truth. I think he sees it as hypocrisy.

I understand perfectly.  But in no way have I made Dad out to be better than he was.

I don't know if I am even talking about the real Dad, the person he started out as or a complete fiction. Last night I had a flash of a waking dream I keep having, where Dad's in the distance,and I call and he turns around, but he is so far away I can't make out his face. Sometimes after that,a kind of dizziness comes over me,and I feel like I am going to faint/fall down stairs/something like that. Then I don't see him anymore.

I am not sure what these feelings are, or how legitimate they are.  I endorse my brother's dismissal of sentiment and deathsugar.

Still, there's the dream; Me calling out a name, wondering if he hears me.