No real reason

[smokingboot]

Doc's making an urgent referral. The big bad stuff has been ruled out by the blood test, but this gets me seen within two weeks by a specialist. Reassuring.

About the rose, I am expecting Bro to make a fuss,as I put pics of it on FB. He's been pretty unhappy about me softening in attitude,writing poems/planting roses re Dad,like I'm betraying all we went through and failing to focus on the truth. I think he sees it as hypocrisy.

I understand perfectly.  But in no way have I made Dad out to be better than he was.

I don't know if I am even talking about the real Dad, the person he started out as or a complete fiction. Last night I had a flash of a waking dream I keep having, where Dad's in the distance,and I call and he turns around, but he is so far away I can't make out his face. Sometimes after that,a kind of dizziness comes over me,and I feel like I am going to faint/fall down stairs/something like that. Then I don't see him anymore.

I am not sure what these feelings are, or how legitimate they are.  I endorse my brother's dismissal of sentiment and deathsugar.

Still, there's the dream; Me calling out a name, wondering if he hears me.