Not an easy day

Well now.

I have to face it... There's a project that does not look as though it's coming off. Two years in the doing, going nowhere and getting no input on it. I'm sorry Mark, your stuff will have to wait, possibly indefinitely. Tough times.

Some of my work bears the hallmarks of fatigue. There has been a lot to put away, the attack, deaths in the family and among friends, political developments that brought back to me my early years in England with all the bigotry and unpleasantness I remember. Sometimes I look at my longer work and see the clumsiness, the lack of spark. Tired as the grave, tired at the heart, struggling to justify myself in creating, and believing in none of the things that once sustained me, by far the hardest part. But I have proved to myself that I can finish long difficult work despite all that. Now I need to start enjoying it again.

Then there has been this other side of life, the incredible joy of friends, travelling, new horizons, my wedding! This stuff has been the saving of me, but it doesn't care to be pinned down for long; one has to keep moving. It's like living through fast fabulous days and sinking into slow very dark nights pitted with impenetrable dreams. That's where I am; so puzzled!

So we start again tomorrow. Tonight, I have had my little mourn for the project, then it's time to let new images flood in and new stories begin. Tonight indulgence, tomorrow...well, we shall see.