The Rules

So an old friend has made a video, and is doing the drag/trans thing, I don't know which, because we never discussed these aspects of his life. But looking at it, I feel myself metamorphosing into my mother, the Great Diva, Doyenne of Getting The Look Right. I write this here so that I don't say it to my friend, because obviously he has the right to do and wear exactly what he wants without my judgement. Now to get it out of my system.

1) A cheap wig is forever a cheap wig. Never expect it to stand alone in the rescue of your look. Either spend your shekels on a good wig, or do something very diverting with what you've got, curl it, pin it, stick it under a hat. Don't just plonk it on your head or the spirit of RuPaul will come and laugh at you in the night.

2) Long straight jet black hair. Very few people can get away with this stuff. It hardens, it ages, it shows up every flaw from wobbly chins to the tiniest wrinkle, it ruins skin tone, it looks fake. Leave it to those born with it, or do something to break up the darkness.

3) If you insist on 2, get rid of any and all stubble, nasal hair and excess eyebrows but don't overpluck the latter unless you are Cruella De Vil or Hugo Weaving.

4) Dyeing your eyebrows black. OK, wait a bit before showing anyone, because while this can look great, it takes a couple of days to get rid of the Millhouse effect.

5) Centre partings on long straight hair. Sort out your curtains for god's sake. See 2.

6) Lipstick. Get it right or get it out. Smeared lips are for the Joker.

There now, I feel better. Depart from me oh you spleenful demons of The Rules! Everybody wear what you like and do as you please! I'm over it!