And everything changed

25/11/2011.

I didn't think of it til just now.
That's the good news.


My whole life changed that night, and I changed too, profoundly.

The first thing was that every real crack in my armour, or further in beneath the skin, became impossible to ignore. But without any of that, I could still fight for my life and win, still grab that knife, keep going, still say no and make that word the end of the matter.

Things I learned.

I can probably kill a person in self defence. No, not probably. This still shakes me a bit because it is so ugly, but there you go. If I have to, repulsive and distasteful though it is, it is not beyond me spiritually, emotionally, physically. I am so glad it never came to that.

And speaking of spirituality, many outer trappings fell away that night. I kind of lost my connection to Wicca, which is embarrassing; can't have been that strong in the first place. But something deeper stayed with me then and still does now. Not that I felt any such thing in the immediate fight, no, I have never felt so entirely alone. But that in itself was one hell of a lesson.

I recognised how much of me was like a glass case over my real self, just responses to other people's perceptions, how useful my ability to adapt is. I found the part of me that doesn't adapt, or change, or compromise at all. And weirdly, I discovered they work together very well.

There's more but that will do for now. I am here, 10 years on. Life is good.