About hair

[smokingboot]

From the book of Booteronomy Chapter 24:

And the LORD spake unto the Boot and said, 'What hast thou done? For the smoke and sweat of clubbing hath smacked up thy hair badly; thine ends are dry as a swarm of locusts upon the fields of Boaz; I would anoint thy head with oil, saving only that there is no need, for more slick are thy roots than the wells of Canaan, and the dry shampoo thou hast used to conceal thy ruin hath left a residue of grey dust upon thee; for behold! grim art thou, and thou lookest a total fright.'

And the Boot said, 'Thanks O LORD. Thou knowest well how to cheer a girl up.' And the Boot gazed in dismay at the carnage, and read again the blessed words of the LORD;

For the hair of the Boot is straight; and straight is the hair of the Boot, and utter thickness awaits therein, and therefore thou shalt attempt non of this perm/curling/gelling stuff, for all thy efforts will avail thee nought, thy hair shall mock thee and thy pretty curls shall fall out to leave thee looking akin to a dejected spaniel. Nor shalt thou try crimping, lest thou resemblest the infamous Crystal Tips, nor shalt thou backbrush thy locks upon peril of breaking the teeth of the comb or, should the wrath of the LORD descend, those of the hairdresser.

Thou shalt not try anything fancy even for deadmandancing's birthday bash tonight, for yea, I know thou are tempted by rainbow toxins and strange unsanctified herbs* nor shall thou be drawn away by the false idols of blow-drying and scrunching, for lo, the denizens of Leeds shall see thee, aye, they shall see thee with thine enormous 80's hair that sticketh out even unto the ends of the earth, and they will laugh at thee.

Thy hair shall be fed, it shall be watered, and then thou wilt leave it be.

And as it was written, so it was done.


*'She claims she puts them on her hair your honour...'