7 years ago

May. 1st, 2007 11:28 am
smokingboot: (green girl)
[personal profile] smokingboot

I wandered up Silbury Hill, the night before Mayday, low mist below the mound, all round the roads into Avebury. Three in the morning, the crusties all asleep in their teepees, lights under the stars. Legend has it that the devil and St John had a fight, throwing clods of earth at each other. Where the devil hit John he built his church in my home town, Devizes; where John hit the devil became Silbury hill.

When I was small I dreamt of a great horned man telling me I was safe in the hill, in 'The Land of the Dead' as he called it, repeating the phrase twice so I would not forget. So the grown up child in me was always convinced Silbury was a great round barrow, while the real kid in my soul never doubted it was a fairy rathe.

Seven years ago before dawn I had a very strange experience on that hill, and there will never be a way to describe it clearly, so I'll not bother. Later that year, a hole crumpled through the top of the hill, and a hole crumpled through a relationship in my life. The hill was saved, the relationship fared far more ill, disintegrating dangerously and taking much with it; a hole in my head, a hole in my heart, seriously thought I was dying, wanted to die, and didn't because bloody-minded anger kept me going. I am proud that even in pain and weakness, I would not let betrayal have such a hold on me. And more proud that while I do not forget, I have pretty much forgiven, except where it is funnier to spike;-)

Today I am sillier, wiser, more compassionate, clearer of mind. A truly loved person, a better writer, a deranged catmama, a woman who achieved some childhood dreams and a little success on her own terms - and somehow, I have become more of a girl, to the disgust of my inner tomboy; there are more pretty dresses in my world now, more perfumes and smiles and sparkles. Seven years since a fantasy world ended, and the real world began slowly to metamorphose into something fantastic. It was painful but then powerful change often is. Looking back I find that as fairy gifts go, it was pretty awesome.

I learnt a harsh lesson all those years ago, about real friendship. To you who make my world beautiful by your presence and put up with all my merciless moodings, thank you. Here's to Beltane, and the Gates of Summer; I love Mayday and I'm probably quite keen on you too. Remember to leave milk out for those pixies!

Date: 2007-05-02 03:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] smokingboot.livejournal.com
Fox celebrations are always alarming. Their barks sound so sharp and rusty. Happy Belated Beltane to you and JD!

Date: 2007-05-02 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jadeent.livejournal.com
Thank you my dear.

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