Pertinent to my last post
Jun. 16th, 2010 11:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootSo, I worked a night show with the arm gripper again.
Everything seemed cool til the debrief after the show, when my gloriously camp colleague said 'Loved the shots of you [boot] - beautiful in that dress. Loads of cleavage, very pretty.' When I looked at him wonderingly, he pointed to the camera overhead. I hadn't noticed it. There was genial laughter in the studio when it was wondered who was responsible for camera shots allowing the audience to gaze down on a straight trajectory between my breasts. It can't have been that stimulating, I'm not of remarkable size one way or another. The culprit confessed amidst the chuckles. It was him.
Flustered, I went and got ready to go home. It shouldn't be a big deal. Like I've said before, the place is full of adolescent lust. No actual adolescents you understand, just adults who should know better. After four years on gaffatape TV, I have learned to accept that to masturbate is human, to get a room is Evolution.
Then he walked in, and it occurred to me that everyone else was downstairs waiting for their taxi. He stared at me and asked if I was all right. 'You aren't mad about that, are you?' He said, 'It looked nice...not rude, just nice,' and he stepped towards me, and I didn't think before I moved. 'Why're you backing away from me?' he said. Long pause. 'You've got nothing to worry about, [Boot]' he said 'I'm just a bit pathetic. All right?' I didn't say anything. You may be wondering where all my vaunted wit went. I don't know either. I just watched him go out the door, listened to him walk down the stairwell. Then I went home.
It's still weird, but I think it will be OK. Not great but OK.
I think.
Everything seemed cool til the debrief after the show, when my gloriously camp colleague said 'Loved the shots of you [boot] - beautiful in that dress. Loads of cleavage, very pretty.' When I looked at him wonderingly, he pointed to the camera overhead. I hadn't noticed it. There was genial laughter in the studio when it was wondered who was responsible for camera shots allowing the audience to gaze down on a straight trajectory between my breasts. It can't have been that stimulating, I'm not of remarkable size one way or another. The culprit confessed amidst the chuckles. It was him.
Flustered, I went and got ready to go home. It shouldn't be a big deal. Like I've said before, the place is full of adolescent lust. No actual adolescents you understand, just adults who should know better. After four years on gaffatape TV, I have learned to accept that to masturbate is human, to get a room is Evolution.
Then he walked in, and it occurred to me that everyone else was downstairs waiting for their taxi. He stared at me and asked if I was all right. 'You aren't mad about that, are you?' He said, 'It looked nice...not rude, just nice,' and he stepped towards me, and I didn't think before I moved. 'Why're you backing away from me?' he said. Long pause. 'You've got nothing to worry about, [Boot]' he said 'I'm just a bit pathetic. All right?' I didn't say anything. You may be wondering where all my vaunted wit went. I don't know either. I just watched him go out the door, listened to him walk down the stairwell. Then I went home.
It's still weird, but I think it will be OK. Not great but OK.
I think.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 05:35 pm (UTC)Yes, that's a very clear way of summing up my discomfort. It's very subtle, and therefore hard to pin down or object to. I don't have any difficulties with people wanting to have sex with each other, or be voyeuristic - as long as it's fully consensual pretty much anything is fine by me. The question here is really about consent, and what is consented to implicitly, and what is not.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 05:43 pm (UTC)YES. That's where I am unhappy, that's where I am not certain.
And it is subtle; god knows I could flay someone if they stomp over my boundaries and dare to challenge my sense of self respect. But this strange almost thing, I don't quite know where I am with it.
no subject
Date: 2010-06-16 06:37 pm (UTC)I think those of us who are obviously capable of dealing with the obvious breaches have more to contend with in the more subtle stakes. It always feels far more dangerous to me.