DWW

[smokingboot]

Sitting in front of all the CICA paperwork. I can sign it and accept the pitiful amount they are offering me...or I can appeal again.

There's almost no point in appealing again, as far as I can tell it'll be 6 more months of waiting for the same amount.

But it is such a small amount, for something that changed my whole life. I try to think of those who get hurt much more and are given much less; that's reality. Let's face it, I shouldn't be complaining that my diamond shoes are tight. And I don't understand myself. Why am I so upset?

This time yesterday I was laughing in a friend's house. This time the day before we were driving into Kent, an interesting move as we were aiming for Warwickshire. This time the day before...I can't recall the day before. Life is good...but the truth is, a lot of the time I am not all right.

I could spend it on some needed repairs for the house oop narth. I could spend it on a party for my beau for his 40th, I could spend it on a very special present for him, I could make an exceedingly short film with it, I could get a little training in animal care, I could buy one (short!)term of a PhD, I could go for a holiday somewhere, I can save it for getting the beasties to Oz, if we go... I can do any one of these, and if I think like that, it all becomes easier. But to be honest, I would have liked it to stretch to two of the above, and there's just not enough in the pot.

It is no big deal. But I left those papers downstairs on the table, and cannot go back to look at them.

Not right now; though I know it will be all right.

Later then.

Comments

[abutterflygirl.livejournal.com]

If it is for what I think it is, I'm not sure it will ever be enough. I feel there will always be a huge deficit no matter what you're offered because essentially money wasn't taken, it was something much more significant and personal and that can't be repaid.

Of course I could be talking non-sense so I won't say much more. Except maybe a second opinion on the worth of appealing again. If it concurs with your theory then to me it sounds like you've made up your mind. Walk away and make the best you can from it.

With love and hoping I've not spoken too much or insensitively xx

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Morning Butterfly

Thank you for your words, you haven't spoken insensitively at all. I value your thoughts.

You are right of course. There's an embarrassment at the other end of the phone when I say 'How much?' The answer is that such things are not quantifiable, and of course, everyone deserves something.. .The question is why the pot is so small for all of us, when buffoons like the Chairman of Thames Water get millions for doing their job very badly or not at all.

But eh, there's more to life than this. Autumn is here, shaking it's whiskey brown scales!

[abutterflygirl.livejournal.com]

Geesh I wish I'd have replied this morning. Talk about straight to the point with my comment. Apologies for my tired mind.

I hear you though. If the aim is to compensate in some way it at least needs to be respectful and somewhere near equal. How heartbreaking when the amount offered is so far from that, especially after everything you went through. I wish there was something that I could say that would be of use.

It's even more unjust when, like you say, so many undeserving people receive sickening bonuses and annual salaries for just screwing everything up. The system is so flawed.

I read your comment below about the interviewer who called it 'nothing'. It is far from 'nothing' and you deserve for people to recognise the pain and trauma you went through. I don't know where you are with this right now, and I know it has been beyond difficult but from where I stand I wanted you to know I think you've been remarkable, courageous and inspiring.

Now as for Autumn, here come the colourful months :-) and hmm, whiskey...

Llawer o Gariad xx

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Llawer O Gariad, kind butterfly. Thank you XXX

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

I've started about 47 different comments and none of them come out right.

I sort of understand where you're coming from. If an organisation sets itself up to put a monetary value on experience, you have to feel like that value is sufficient. Money can't change what happened, but it can help you to feel that what happened is recognised and that your experience is valued. I can see how a smaller amount can seem...welll, almost worse than nothing at all.

None of this helps you, obviously.

I shall revert to "lots of love" and hope that you know that other people feel very deeply for what happened to you.

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Ah, lady, it does help.

I think you have defined the situation very well.

What happened, the actual event, sits almost in one of those snow bubbles that are popular at Xmas. It's a smaller, vivid thing, just a picture unless I shake it...and one day it will freeze and become like one of those picture paperweights you buy.

It's other things that have their own pain. It is losing a job less than three months after a glowing review, because I had to have time off for PTSD, and having no legal recourse for that. It's going to a jobcentre plus interview just to make sure my stamp hadn't been affected, and being forced to repeat the whole experience in a room full of waiting people. It's being then told by my interviewer that what had happened to me was, and I quote, 'Nothing.'

I feel a rage come upon me when I think of these things. But then, ATOS have made so many people feel like nothing, people who cannot walk, people with cognitive disability, people who had so little in the first place. My good fortune was that I did not need the help of this wretched administration to survive, and survive comfortably too.

I also know that CICA cannot help any of this. There is no intention to make light of a bad situation. I know.

And I am so grateful for the depth of heart you have all have shown me, especially when we have all had tough times.

I am rich in love. Don't care how shmaltzy it sounds. It is true, and it is the only important thing.

Thank you X

[caffeine-fairy.livejournal.com]

I would love to kick every head which came up with and aided and abetted and extended this crime against you. I'm sure there would be have insufficient paperwork to change anything, but I'm perfectly convinced it would feel good.

However.

You are and will always be loved.

As are you

[smokingboot.livejournal.com]

Thank you lady. Words no good for this bit X