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smokingbootSitting in front of all the CICA paperwork. I can sign it and accept the pitiful amount they are offering me...or I can appeal again.
There's almost no point in appealing again, as far as I can tell it'll be 6 more months of waiting for the same amount.
But it is such a small amount, for something that changed my whole life. I try to think of those who get hurt much more and are given much less; that's reality. Let's face it, I shouldn't be complaining that my diamond shoes are tight. And I don't understand myself. Why am I so upset?
This time yesterday I was laughing in a friend's house. This time the day before we were driving into Kent, an interesting move as we were aiming for Warwickshire. This time the day before...I can't recall the day before. Life is good...but the truth is, a lot of the time I am not all right.
I could spend it on some needed repairs for the house oop narth. I could spend it on a party for my beau for his 40th, I could spend it on a very special present for him, I could make an exceedingly short film with it, I could get a little training in animal care, I could buy one (short!)term of a PhD, I could go for a holiday somewhere, I can save it for getting the beasties to Oz, if we go... I can do any one of these, and if I think like that, it all becomes easier. But to be honest, I would have liked it to stretch to two of the above, and there's just not enough in the pot.
It is no big deal. But I left those papers downstairs on the table, and cannot go back to look at them.
Not right now; though I know it will be all right.
Later then.
There's almost no point in appealing again, as far as I can tell it'll be 6 more months of waiting for the same amount.
But it is such a small amount, for something that changed my whole life. I try to think of those who get hurt much more and are given much less; that's reality. Let's face it, I shouldn't be complaining that my diamond shoes are tight. And I don't understand myself. Why am I so upset?
This time yesterday I was laughing in a friend's house. This time the day before we were driving into Kent, an interesting move as we were aiming for Warwickshire. This time the day before...I can't recall the day before. Life is good...but the truth is, a lot of the time I am not all right.
I could spend it on some needed repairs for the house oop narth. I could spend it on a party for my beau for his 40th, I could spend it on a very special present for him, I could make an exceedingly short film with it, I could get a little training in animal care, I could buy one (short!)term of a PhD, I could go for a holiday somewhere, I can save it for getting the beasties to Oz, if we go... I can do any one of these, and if I think like that, it all becomes easier. But to be honest, I would have liked it to stretch to two of the above, and there's just not enough in the pot.
It is no big deal. But I left those papers downstairs on the table, and cannot go back to look at them.
Not right now; though I know it will be all right.
Later then.
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-10 09:20 am (UTC)I sort of understand where you're coming from. If an organisation sets itself up to put a monetary value on experience, you have to feel like that value is sufficient. Money can't change what happened, but it can help you to feel that what happened is recognised and that your experience is valued. I can see how a smaller amount can seem...welll, almost worse than nothing at all.
None of this helps you, obviously.
I shall revert to "lots of love" and hope that you know that other people feel very deeply for what happened to you.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-10 10:41 am (UTC)I think you have defined the situation very well.
What happened, the actual event, sits almost in one of those snow bubbles that are popular at Xmas. It's a smaller, vivid thing, just a picture unless I shake it...and one day it will freeze and become like one of those picture paperweights you buy.
It's other things that have their own pain. It is losing a job less than three months after a glowing review, because I had to have time off for PTSD, and having no legal recourse for that. It's going to a jobcentre plus interview just to make sure my stamp hadn't been affected, and being forced to repeat the whole experience in a room full of waiting people. It's being then told by my interviewer that what had happened to me was, and I quote, 'Nothing.'
I feel a rage come upon me when I think of these things. But then, ATOS have made so many people feel like nothing, people who cannot walk, people with cognitive disability, people who had so little in the first place. My good fortune was that I did not need the help of this wretched administration to survive, and survive comfortably too.
I also know that CICA cannot help any of this. There is no intention to make light of a bad situation. I know.
And I am so grateful for the depth of heart you have all have shown me, especially when we have all had tough times.
I am rich in love. Don't care how shmaltzy it sounds. It is true, and it is the only important thing.
Thank you X
no subject
Date: 2013-09-10 11:11 pm (UTC)However.
You are and will always be loved.
As are you
Date: 2013-09-11 08:37 am (UTC)