Trying to focus
Jun. 11th, 2004 12:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootI've just finished reading someone's LJ about finding sleep a waste of time. I enjoy sleep though I also enjoy bouts of insomnia. What I want is sleeplessness without exhaustion payoff the following day. I need those extra hours awake. Don't anybody tell me my brain is filtering new information during my astral hours; my brain filters stuff in a totally arbitrary way, irrespective of where I am or what I'm doing, so I might as well be active.
Let's face it, my time management is shambolic (that can't be a word). I keep saying I will change it and I never do, with the result that I end up drained and tired having not completed anything. It's good for introspection and because that's what's coming next, I will spare everyone and use the cut.
A friend just called. He's taking his mother on a last trip to the lakes. She is not well and he is worried about letting her down. I can listen/talk about things like this and be useful, hopefully, or at least not be detrimental. But when it comes to the new steps I want to take in my business, I am fearful even at the start. Delving into head/heart mess is not a problem for me, but how scared I am of business and structure and money!
I can materialise happiness in emotional terms due to the immense help I've received, but materialising happiness in terms of readies, that's where I falter. Part of me is used to believing my gifts are the kind no-one wants or needs, that I should be grateful if anybody pays anything for them. I am used to either not thinking about money at all (my win condition) or material expectation letting me down, being paid less or sold out, not getting what I want and only just managing what I need.
I fear failure and mistrust success based on money cos I can't count and don't understand it. I don't really want to. Money and business actively bores me, even when it's mine.
And yet, I like what it brings. To this day I wander round the house astonished that I have bought this through my work. I have achieved something. It doesn't really make sense: All I have done is link into a system where other members of this society agree I can do whatever I like (almost) on this piece of earth without their interference. A genial absurdity. The earth doesn't belong to me, in fact I'm not great on the whole principle of possession. The only things I know for sure are mine are the things I create, which is possibly why I take them so seriously.
Still, according to society's definitions, I am a home-owner. This is a tangible achievement, a reality, a manifestation of my efforts. I really ought to hoover it from time to time.
Tonight, we enjoy dinner in the company of November girl and Lisa Shepherd. Tomorrow, I must get the current workthang done and dusted by Sunday if I possibly can.
Where was I? Oh yes, time and work and money...Phooey to it all! Happy Friday!
Let's face it, my time management is shambolic (that can't be a word). I keep saying I will change it and I never do, with the result that I end up drained and tired having not completed anything. It's good for introspection and because that's what's coming next, I will spare everyone and use the cut.
A friend just called. He's taking his mother on a last trip to the lakes. She is not well and he is worried about letting her down. I can listen/talk about things like this and be useful, hopefully, or at least not be detrimental. But when it comes to the new steps I want to take in my business, I am fearful even at the start. Delving into head/heart mess is not a problem for me, but how scared I am of business and structure and money!
I can materialise happiness in emotional terms due to the immense help I've received, but materialising happiness in terms of readies, that's where I falter. Part of me is used to believing my gifts are the kind no-one wants or needs, that I should be grateful if anybody pays anything for them. I am used to either not thinking about money at all (my win condition) or material expectation letting me down, being paid less or sold out, not getting what I want and only just managing what I need.
I fear failure and mistrust success based on money cos I can't count and don't understand it. I don't really want to. Money and business actively bores me, even when it's mine.
And yet, I like what it brings. To this day I wander round the house astonished that I have bought this through my work. I have achieved something. It doesn't really make sense: All I have done is link into a system where other members of this society agree I can do whatever I like (almost) on this piece of earth without their interference. A genial absurdity. The earth doesn't belong to me, in fact I'm not great on the whole principle of possession. The only things I know for sure are mine are the things I create, which is possibly why I take them so seriously.
Still, according to society's definitions, I am a home-owner. This is a tangible achievement, a reality, a manifestation of my efforts. I really ought to hoover it from time to time.
Tonight, we enjoy dinner in the company of November girl and Lisa Shepherd. Tomorrow, I must get the current workthang done and dusted by Sunday if I possibly can.
Where was I? Oh yes, time and work and money...Phooey to it all! Happy Friday!
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