Father's Day
Jun. 17th, 2018 06:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smokingbootI've had gorgeous dreams recently. Last night's was about getting something I wanted over a decade ago. These things take time and all...
As to Father's Day, it's hard, and not because I miss Dad. I don't think I miss him as such, it was all so awful at home. I think I miss the idea of a dad, the dad I wanted him to be, or thought he was in my dreams, and perhaps I miss the friend/protector I wish he had been. But in the end, he's not responsible for my wishes. He was who he was, and whatever I project on to that is down to me. I can't help thinking of him on his birth/death day, but to think of him now is painful. Because it became a really terrible thing, our family, and a lot of it came down to him.
But the rose my neighbour bought me to commemorate him is growing strong and lovely, in fact the whole garden's looking pretty pleased with itself. I try to think of these things, and not dwell.
It's made harder because Bro has made another attempt at getting in touch in a very brief light hearted way. I want to be constructive and applaud the fact that he has approached this despite it being very difficult for him to do, but all I can think of is that he was a proper minidad in his tantrum, and I miss Bro's laughter a lot, but can't pay this price for it. His problem may be occasional but when it happens the sheer insanity levels are right off the chart.
So I don't know what to do or how to answer. And why is this all so bloody dour? It's a gorgeous summer, what's wrong with me?
Right. Out of this and back to pleasure. I think a little wine before dinner may help...
As to Father's Day, it's hard, and not because I miss Dad. I don't think I miss him as such, it was all so awful at home. I think I miss the idea of a dad, the dad I wanted him to be, or thought he was in my dreams, and perhaps I miss the friend/protector I wish he had been. But in the end, he's not responsible for my wishes. He was who he was, and whatever I project on to that is down to me. I can't help thinking of him on his birth/death day, but to think of him now is painful. Because it became a really terrible thing, our family, and a lot of it came down to him.
But the rose my neighbour bought me to commemorate him is growing strong and lovely, in fact the whole garden's looking pretty pleased with itself. I try to think of these things, and not dwell.
It's made harder because Bro has made another attempt at getting in touch in a very brief light hearted way. I want to be constructive and applaud the fact that he has approached this despite it being very difficult for him to do, but all I can think of is that he was a proper minidad in his tantrum, and I miss Bro's laughter a lot, but can't pay this price for it. His problem may be occasional but when it happens the sheer insanity levels are right off the chart.
So I don't know what to do or how to answer. And why is this all so bloody dour? It's a gorgeous summer, what's wrong with me?
Right. Out of this and back to pleasure. I think a little wine before dinner may help...
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