Leaden

[smokingboot]

Everything feels a bit heavy right now. R is ill, with something so sudden and debilitating I think it may be Covid despite the LF negative. He has had to cancel work, I have nagged him in to ordering a PCR test, he has pretty much all the standard symptoms, though of course, a lot of those symptoms are just like flu.

I am at a tough point in work. Feeling pretty debilitated as I plod through.

To lighten my load, I do a bit of very amateur genealogy which should be quite interesting; turns out my Great-Uncle served in the 7th Queens Own Hussars Royal Armoured Corps in WWII, and appears to have died trying to escape an Italian POW camp. If I am ever near Genoa, I will pay his grave a visit. Of course I would love to learn more about his service, but this means dealing with the MOD, a fate akin to eating my own feet, very very slowly. They want two forms filled in plus a cheque. Who still uses cheques? It must be five years, maybe even a decade since I did. But the site seems adamant. What, no postal orders, no bankers drafts, nothing online? Forget that new fangled rubbish, you're in the army now!

I phoned the Army Personnel Helpline, it was permanently engaged. I phoned the Army Personnel Office in Glasgow who told me that the Army Personnel Helpline is permanently engaged because they are not taking calls, but they gave me an email address. They didn't know about whether postal orders /bankers drafts would be appropriate either. Wrote to the email address, got a form email back with another email address, wrote to that email address, got another form letter plus a notification that applications for service records of those deceased in WWII are something like a year behind, maybe more.

So then I ask in a FB group specialising in Wartime Northern Ireland, and while the vibe is helpful, someone suggests I join this group;

https://www.facebook.com/messenger_media/?thread_id=534240486&attachment_id=922333971982748&message_id=mid.%24cAAAAADS2r8eEqAmFPF-dsQ2D5aeF

And you know, you just know, don't you, the kind of person who lurks here.

I don't doubt for a minute that it includes great historians with lots of detailed info about our forces history, but I'd bet a pie and a pint that it's stuffed chock full of other sorts.And I'd up that stake considerably on the likelihood that hardly any of them are real veterans.

I thanked the supplier of this link, but won't be going anywhere near it.


Meanwhile I have made a mistake. My bro got ill, he told me about it vaguely, he told Mum about it vaguely. She knew he had an infection, I knew he had an abscess in his throat. I didn't realise she was not privy to this latter information, and dropped it without realising. Cue her losing her mind. She wants to know everything about his throat, phoned me to demand that I phone him, and has doubtless sent him loads of text messages demanding more. I have told her that it is not her business unless he chooses it to be, he is fine but he is very private and if she badgers him, he will just withdraw completely, telling her nothing now or about any other illness he may get in future. She calmedTF down at that.

Still, I am irritated. Maybe I'm not quite over her episode of the other night, and I am so tired of her endless need to fixate on something miserable. She was the one who said about schizophrenic patients long ago; 'How come their delusions are always unpleasant?' Well, I don't know, Mum, you tell me. I am sick, decades sick, more than half a century sick, of this nonsense which overshadowed our lives and smashed our family to pieces. Of course I know she can't help it that she is very ill herself, but long ago, I eschewed at least one great opportunity because of Mum's unending hysteria, and I have nothing to answer it with today.

I must work, but that in itself is hard right now. Everything is, though comparatively I know we are doing well. I need to find a lighter touch from somewhere.

Comments

[mallorys_camera]

As a mother myself, I can tell you with complete certainty that even if your mother was psychologically healthy, she'd be going out of her mind with anxiety over your brother's illness. That is simply something mothers do.

I'm having difficulties focusing on my own work as well. It just seems far more important that I become an expert on post-war Vienna than that I produce any actual work, y'know? 😀

Sending many, many good thoughts for R's recovery. Rapid COVID-19 tests have high specificity but low sensitivity—meaning that positives can be trusted but there are a fair number of false negatives.

[smokingboot]

Yes I recognise the sense of what you say. Trouble is that on the day we are all exhausted, Mum will always push for that last little drop of energy, preferably in the form of hysteria. She has spent decades of her life imagining one horrible catastrophe or another, her favourite being disease. It has often been utterly miserable for her and for us. But I should be more patient at what is essentially a protective instinct albeit intensified and distorted by mental illness.

She has calmed down and so have I, especially as I haven't received any annoyed What-the-hell-did-you-tell-her messages from my brother.

Thanks for your kind thoughts! I will relay them to R. If the PCR test proves negative, he is going to call the doctor because whatever this is, it's pretty dramatic. He is still asleep, I hope improvement is close.