Sunday's Child

[smokingboot]

Bro's having a very hard time.

Yesterday he said a couple of things. One was the question;

'Why does everything work out for you?' Long pause... 'Sometimes I wish I was you.'

Mum used to say say stuff like this to me 'you're so lucky, nothing ever goes wrong for you.' She forgot and will never remember again, that if there was some ordained quota of misfortune we must all fulfil, she has been as much 'bad luck' as any daughter needs. I don't resent it because so much was beyond her control, but now and again wonder if it would be too much to ask for a momentary awareness from family.

Meanwhile, more from the Bro;

'Do you remember when Dad wanted to move us to Spain?'

I did. I had a little consternation at the time because I knew no Spanish. Mum simply couldn't find time to teach us and there were no options in school, but I wanted to be free of our home town, I was lonely and sad there. He carried on;

'I told them that I wanted to be in the school play, I had learned my lines and everything, and if they forced me to go to Spain, I would run away and never come back to them. And I often wondered if that made them change their minds...'

I've no idea, but I remembered my disappointment at the decision to stay all those years ago.
You wish you were me? The thing you needed, rootedness and belonging in one place were inprisonment and a trap to me. If we swapped skins, the person you really are would be screaming with frustration within half an hour, and the person I really am would be demanding my liver back.

No messages from him this morning. Hopefully his sorrows have softened into sleep, and all the might-have-beens have dwindled away. But I might as well accept that to my family, whatever really happened, they'll always see me as the lucky one, Sunday's Child. People pick myths to fit you, don't they? Reality's got little to do with it. Might as well shrug and accept the story.

Comments

[mallorys_camera]

You are one of those lucky people who found your true soulmate.

That's a tremendous thing.

I mean, obviously, I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship with R, the compromises that relationship may call on you to make, the resentments you may feel from time to time because everybody feels resentments from time to time.

But I did spend two weeks in close proximity to you both, and the love you feel for each other, the pleasure you take in each other's company–not in a cloying, clutching, suffocating way, but in a way that seems to make you both freer—was a lovely thing to observe.

Bro just broke up with his SO, no? Obviously, I don't know anything about that relationship. But he will still be reeling from that. And wondering why your relationship with R works and his relationship with Person X didn't.

Also, the question, "Why does everything work out for you?" makes me think he's longing to be rescued—if not from the heavy burden of being himself than from the consequences of his own actions and behavior.

Maybe you've rescued Bro in the past? I dunno. But I don't think you can rescue him now. I think every dram of your psychic strength must be focused on your own healing process.

[asakiyume]

Amen to this (... I mean, the parts I can know about, anyway!)

[smokingboot]

I resonate so deeply with what you say here, I daren't touch on it much further, lest the eye of Hubris notice me! I know all things end, but my heart is held by an abiding joy, and I can only hope it outlasts me.

Yes, bro wants rescuing. He spoke to me of matters pertaining to this. What he means is that he would like me to be there, maybe just hold onto him, let him talk and cry his heart out, and I would happily do it. But real rescue, proper fix-it intervention, would meet resistance from him. He is used to doing things his way... it's not even necessarily the wrong way. It's just that things feel bad when they end. Having said that, a lot of ends are far from permanent, and this might be the same. But I am afraid you are right about my strength.

[asakiyume]

Asking "Why does everything work out for you?" of someone with cancer suggests a person who tends to overlook when the evidence doesn't align with their viewpoint. And "work out" can be over years and with much effort, and yet the person--in this case Bro--looks at an end state he's wistful after (... again, probs not the cancer, though) without considering what went into that.

It's a very sweet photo, though. People! they have so many sides and facets.

[smokingboot]

Ah, that photo is of me by my Dad! I love it because it makes me feel like I really am the child of the sun. But I think my family see this as a sort of life statement of how easily everything comes to me.

You are completely right about Bro. He sees... exactly what he wants to see.