A Little Light

[smokingboot]

Surgeon's secretary got back to me, she hadn't a clue about the details I needed but got one of the specialist breast cancer nurses to call me. These had all given my their direct phone numbers on a card which I then lost. Special.

The BC nurse was very kind and told me everything I needed to know.

'I'm looking at your pathology right now and there's no way 5 fractions would be enough so apologies for being told that.' One does get the impression that many medics wish surgeons would just cut up and shut up. 'At this size, we would always be looking at 15 on the whole breast up to the [fancy word for neck] and [fancy word for armpit]. Three weeks treatment like this would be standard. The course you are undergoing now is correct...' We talked for a while. She was great. 'Phone up whenever you need,' she said. 'We'll be contacting you 6 weeks after treatment to see how you're getting on, but if anything worries you, just give us a call.'

I ache a lot, but my mind is soothed.

And the other thing! I vowed to write it down this morning, and promptly forgot it until now.

Last night I went to bed very early, being so knackered. The hall light was on and because of that I made a conscious choice to leave the side light on R's side of the bed switched off, to keep the room dark and help me sleep. It worked. I got up later, went to the bathroom, came back. That light was on.

Puzzled I called Russ. No, he hadn't come in and switched it on.

So did I unconsciously switch it on as I rolled out of bed for the bathroom?

I have not one second's memory of doing that. Besides, I got out the other side.

Did I change my mind while asleep?

I do have a potted history of parasomnias so maybe I'm more troubled by the treatments than my conscious mind accepts. And I've had issues with lights before including once in a properly haunted dorm, when there was this similarity, a moment of staring and thinking did I do this? I don't think I did... That place was haunted, this is not. That was a 19th century pile aggravated by spiritualists, this was grassland close to a factory. Unless I'm being pursued by the ghost of British Leyland, I should be fine.

Comments

[velrist]

Urgh, I am so sorry. I've not been that present on most of social media for a while and today is the first day I've had the headspace to do more than doomscroll on other platforms, I didn't realise you were having treatment.

I'm so sorry you're not getting the support/information you need. It also doesn't surprise me that it was a nurse that was kind and took the time to talk to you, that has always been my experience.

Be kind to yourself and I'm sending swift healing wishes to you.

I miss you <3

[smokingboot]

I miss you too ❤️

I don't mention this on social media except here. Sometimes FB seems too frantic.

Of course, when we get together all that worry fades away and I just love us talking as we do! I was diagnosed back in 2023, been on drugs to shrink it, had a lumpectomy late 2024. To be honest, the support has been stellar, this is the first bit that's been meh (except for my first appointments which were so bad they were actually funny.) You are right about the specialist nurses, very kind and practical! This is the tail end of it, fingers crossed.

Can't wait to see you again XXX

[smokingboot]

…And thank you for those healing wishes ❤️

[asakiyume]

Reading your recent entries most recent first, so I read this one before the earlier one. I'm glad the nurses clarified stuff but very sorry that you have the full 15 sessions ahead of you.

[smokingboot]

Thanks for your care ❤️

I wish it wasn't happening but am nearly half way through. I just keep telling myself it won't be long now.

[philosophi_cal]

I'm glad you found a human who could communicate properly. It sucks that this is happening to you, and now I know, I'm thinking good thoughts for you. (I don't know why I believe this works - possibly it just helps me. But anyway, may all go well.)

The light thing is super-strange. Though in some ways, the ghost of British Leyland could be really interesting...

[smokingboot]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. They help me a great deal on many levels.

I was diagnosed back in 2023, been on drugs since then, had the ops at the end of 2024, in radiotherapy now and extremely disappointed at my lack of developing superpowers. I didn't mention it on FB so as not to add to the overwhelming doom scroll.

DW is far easier for me.

'The Ghost of British Leyland' sounds like some earnest 90s documentary!

[philosophi_cal]

You are intelligent and articulate and that's two more super-powers than a lot of people have ;)

I did once write a ghost story about the buildings of Coventry. Possibly the only thing I would want to retrieve from LJ, now I think about it. There's something very powerful(?) to me about the things we build as humans, the ebb and flow of them and how we build in hopes and dreams and then one day are gone.

[smokingboot]

If you ever bring the story here I would love to see it.