Old Skool Rules

My old primary school is in the news: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-31869579
Face down on the floor was quite wrong of course, and probably unhygienic, but on another level I am tickled that these kids could be held in any kind of awe by the teacher telling them she had phoned God and was telling him how naughty they were. If any of ours had tried that, we'd have demanded to speak to him and she'd be in gyp fast if she couldn't deliver us our hotline. Plus she might not have got her phone back.

There was good and bad about St Joseph's - the meanest teachers were by no means always the nuns - but the most fun thing was this; it was right next to the Kennet and Avon canal, and if you looked along the locks, you could see your way into Middle Earth. If you walked long enough, you would reach it, clear as the blue hills far away, a dreaming place. Had I known that someone could phone other planes of existence, I'd have asked them to contact Gandalf and tell him I was up for a trip to Rivendell.

Dear person to whom I am trying not to be rude

No, Paris is not short for 'Par Isis,' it comes from Parisi, the local Celtic tribe.

No, black madonnas are not Isis figures disguised so that Romans could worship them.

No, black madonnas were not introduced to Gaul via the Roman invasion.

I go now, before your terrible made-up history causes me to set fire to you.